Some of my Homies did not travel far. Aura lives about eighty blocks away from me in a very magical part of New York City called the Upper East Side. At first her Homie was like, dude, I’m a west sider (woo woo) what is up with all the Jews around here? Then Aura had to explain that he was being, quite frankly, a real dick, and that he should be more tolerant of other cultures and religions. She then told him a story about Moses and the many years her people suffered. Her Homie apologized for being insensitive and now they are tight like they are brothers from another mother except Aura is a girl and not technically a brother, but you know what I mean.

This is Ice Cold. He appears to be some kind of white rapper. I say this because he is holding a mic and has a baseball cap. He could also be a private investigator going undercover as a white rapper. Aura decided to take Ice Cold to work. She happens to work at The Most Important News Publication of Our Time, People. Ice Cold was confused because for a magazine about people, the offices are really empty and without people. Listen, Aura explained, magazines are a tough business. We have to compete with Gawker and those douchebags from Radar. I mean, come on. We have a fourteen page spread about Britney. What do they have? A TWELVE page spread. You better recognize! Ice Cold indeed recognizes.

Ice Cold and Aura decide to get a snack. At the copy desk of The Most Important News Publication of Our Time, there is always free food. Ice Cold takes a nibble on what appears to be a very large piece of foccacia. Meanwhile, Aura’s boss looks on. He is stunned. IS THAT A HOMIE? HOLY SHIT!!!!!! Ice Cold signs an autograph on Aura’s boss’s chest.

It begins to snow over our fair city. Aura takes Ice Cold to the window in order to point out the Empire State Building, but she quickly realizes that she can’t see much from the window other than other windows. Ice Cold likes the snow, that is where he gets his rap moniker. He also likes ice in his drinks, even his beer and his soy milk. He also likes to tell jokes about people’s mothers and he thinks that’s pretty ice cold even though everyone explains that jokes about mothers is so 2002 and, like, so totally over along with Wilmer Valderama’s career. Ice Cold would give everyone the finger, but his hands are stuck to the mic.

Ice Cold is excited. He has never been anywhere outside the barrio and Annie’s crappy, cold, overpriced, tiny apartment. He is elated. He begins to rap. Everyone in the office pleads him to stop. Aura gets a brilliant idea. If Ice Cold can’t see the Empire State Building then she can bring the Empire State Building to Ice Cold! But…why stop there? She quickly builds a few monuments. Ice Cold can now say he has seen the Empire State Building, as well as the Eiffel Tower, the Sears Tower, the Space Needle, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and some other place that looks straight out of the Lord of the Rings. He is the happiest he’s ever been.

Thanks Aura!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 12th, 2008 at 9:48 pm and is filed under Homies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.