The universe is on my side, kind of but not really.
I can’t tell if the universe is like, hey Annie, I am down with you let’s be BFF 4-eva k thx or if the universe is like, hey Annie, I hate you and I will slap you on the mouth.
About two weeks ago, I had band practice. You know how moving is a pain in the ass, with all the packing up heavy stuff and moving heavy stuff and then unpacking heavy stuff? Well basically everytime I have band practice it is like moving. It SUCKS. Monthly spaces are too expensive, so we use hourly spaces and that means we have to HAUL HEAVY SHIT across town. So to make my life easier, Heather keeps my xylophone for me because she doesn’t have to bring anything with her, except for her voice, which is pretty portable last time I checked. Meanwhile Andy and I have to bring like two tons of shit. Which is fine. I will move heavy things in the name of rock. DO YOU SEE HOW DEDICATED I AM?
Anyway she accidentally left it in a cab two weeks ago and we basically went into oh-shit mode. That is when you say “Oh shit” several times in a row, in case you are wondering. We filed a report with the Lost Property Unit. This sounds more official than it really is. Basically you call, leave a sobbing message about your lost property, and then no one calls you back because there are more important things the NYPD does than look for your stupid xylophone, like track down criminals and tow cars. Then we called every taxi garage in Long Island City and Manhattan to no avail. There’s literally like 50 garages in Manhattan alone. So as a last-ditch effort, I posted an ad on Craigslist’s Lost & Found, which is like a forum of desperation. It’s full of people who have lost their cute pets and their iPods and their wallets and their grandmother’s wedding ring and it’s like you KNOW no one is ever going to find anything. But I posted anyway. Long shot. Now we have a show coming up so I thought, OK. I have buy another one. THIS SUCKS. So I bought one on Ebay.
Last night I got an email from a woman who was trolling on Craigslist and she happened to work for Checker Cab. And she happened across my ad AND OH MY GOD SHE HAS MY XYLOPHONE. One of her drivers brought it in. I almost peed myself. I was like HOLY SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What are the odds?
Then I thought. WAIT A SECOND. I just BOUGHT a new one and can’t return it because it was from Ebay. So that is when I realized the universe was taking a piss on me. I am standing here, wet from piss. I can tell you right now the universe had asparagus for dinner last night.
So now I have TWO xylophones. TWO! That’s one more than I need, and like TWO more than normal people need.
If you are not normal and want a xylophone I will sell one to you.
If you already have a xylophone, and want another one, I will sell one to you.
And in an unrelated note, we just got an email from a kid “What do emo people do? What is emo exactly?”
Hey, maybe you could learn to hold the mallet stick thingies with you toes and play both at the same time. That would be so cool! You could do a Battle of the Extremities! The hands would take a solo break and jam for 12 bars, and then the feet would try to outdo the hands by throwing in a big-toe riff. You could go on America’s Got Talent and win cash. Without a doubt you’d be the biggest thing on Youtube. Just a thought, in case the writing thing doesn’t work out.
TC: I play xylophone and keyboards at the sametime, I guess I can throw in the feet, might as well.
Oh, you ROCK! What kind of music do you play? That’s an actual question, BTW, not a smart-ass comment.
TC: You can check out our rawk toonz at http://www.myspace.com/lastknownsettlers
Damn, dude. 2008 is already messing with you.
As for that kid asking about emo…well, I believe this video can explain a little:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=w-rcjaBWvx0
you should tell that kid that emo is something he should embrace wholehardly, and he should buy all the bondage pants, black lace arm warmers, guy liner and black lipstick he is able to get from his parent’s wallets…
Maybe you could keep one of the xylophones in a different tuning, but I don’t know enough about xylophones to know if that even makes any sense.
On another note, I’ve forgotten things like Blackberries, umbrellas, and gloves, but how do you forget a xylophone? Either she must have a huge blind spot, to the point where she should never, ever drive a car, or that must have been some primo weed.
1 word. Flamingxylephonejam.
Doretta: Hahaha dude I couldn’t even FINISH it. What a major emo dork. Holy crap.
Ian: THe thing is I thought emo was like totes over.
Alex: Yeah I dunno what happened. SHe was sharing a cab w/ the rest of the band and Andy had a guitar, a bass, and another bag in the trunk along w/ my xylophone. Then they arrive to their spot, and Andy takes his stuff out and Heather just sort of mindlessly closes the trunk and the cab goes off.
Bryan: WORD. Since I have an extra one, I can douse one of htem w/ gasoline and then flame that shit up wiht ROCK.
I don’t need a xylophone, thanks.
Hahaha…well at least now if you lose one you don’t need to go into “oh shit” mode right? All I know is that if I left my viola (aka the beast) in a cab I would feel the wrath of my parents. (My viola is the most expensive thing I own) Luckily…my town is too small for cabs so no problem there.
I’m quite sure that emo isn’t even a real word. Haha.
hey annie! how much for the extra xylophone?
Mr. Pony: I think Ian would really like one. He told me. He was all, bitch, tell my old man to give me a xylophone, I’m sick of this Star Wars crap.
Maddie: Yeah I bet people in your town woudl be like, oh here’s a viola, it must belong to Maddie. I will care for it and track her down and deliver it to her door. In NY people are like, oh a viola? I will hock it for cash monies instead of returning it to the owner whose name and number are WRITTEN RIGHT HERE ON THE TAG. I believe Yo-yo Ma left his cello in the back of a cab and somehow got it back. But then again, he’s Yo-yo Ma. Every single person in NYC was looking for that thing.
Anh: Are you serious? Let me decide which one I’ll sell and I’ll get back to you. Both are used but I dunno what kind of condition the newer one is in. They said it was in “good” condition but that can mean anything. Like it can be “good” meaning “good even though I took a crap on it.” Who knows. Always a surprise. I’ll keep you posted. Both come w/ a stand and mallets and all that crap.
You don’t understand how cool this is. Not only can you brag to people that you play the xylophone, but that you own TWO of them.
When asked why you would even need to own two of them you can plainly say, “So I can leave one in a cab by accident and it won’t even matter because I have a SECOND one.”
Ravi: Exactly! I should have like three of them so I can say “I collect them. And also then I can leave TWO in a cab and it won’t even matter because I have a THIRD one.”
Musicians!