The biggest room in my house is the refrigerator.
My friend Mr. Pony and I have been swapping refrigerator p0rn, where we take pictures of what’s inside our fridges and then get really grossed out or be like WTF. Pony lives in Hawaii and from what I can tell eats a lot of stuff that’s been pickled, fermented, or pickled and fermented and turned into paste. He also has an empty butter dish (he says it’s invisible butter) in the fridge and also breast milk, but I’m 99% positive it’s not for him.
He eats stuff like this.
Dude! MACKEREL CURRY. IN A CAN. You know, for when you’re on the go. Like, I really need something that quenches my thirst. Oh, look! Mackerel curry in convenient to-go size. I shall take this to the gym. It’s so obvious that Pony bought this for the packaging. My friend Zechariah does the same thing with mysterious Chinese products of mystery. Like his apartment is filled with random Chinese stuff and you’re like hey, what’s this? And he’s like it’s either rice noodles or moth balls. I don’t have the luxury of space to do stuff like that. So my fridge isn’t nearly as good as Pony’s:
I found a sweater in the crisper, but then I figured out it was a bell pepper. Nice. I’d say that 80% of the crap that’s in my fridge is bad.
Here’s a shot of the freezer:
I eat a lot of toast. And ice cubes. I think those are peas. I use them strictly to treat tendonitis.
The outside of my fridge is more interesting. My friend Aura works at People, the most important news publication of our time, and sends me random press photos.
That’s Ricky Martin. Pony didn’t know who he was, because Pony lies on a secluded island where the only culture comes in a can of mackerel curry. “Dude, he sang ‘She Bangs!
and ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca.’” Huh? “He was in Menudo.” Ohhhhhhhhh!
WTF.
Ok here is something sweet:
Aaron’s mom was moving out of her house and Aaron went down to clean up. He found some old party favors from when he was 8 or 9. This is a real, vintage G.I. Joe collectable eraser. It’s of the guy who carries the phone. I always felt bad for the dude who had to carry the phone. Like, here. You don’t get a gun. You get a phone. It’s really heavy. Try not to get killed because then we won’t have a phone. His name is Lifeline. I think if I were 9 and got a Lifeline eraser at a party I’d be pretty pissed. Everyone wants the Snake Eyes or Duke erasers, not a stupid Lifeline eraser. Anyway now I have it, and I’m pretty stoked.
At our office, one of my co-workers just squeezed out brand new, minty fresh baby.
She’s doing the whole, “My baby is hungry… I happen to produce food,.. I’m putting this bag of breast milk in the pantry refrigerator, next to your Diet Coke.”
Which is understandable. I mean, where else is she supposed to put it? Under her telephone? Behind her computer monitor?
But everyone is typically bleary eyed in the morning. And I can’t say I’m thinking clearly in the mornings. I’m quite terrified of the prospects of a half and half / boob juice mix up.
When you brought up this Ricky Martin fellow, I didn’t even know you were talking about the image in question. We were sharing refrigerator pr0n and you were all, “do you like ricky martin?” I was like, way to kill the mood, Choi. WTF is how I was like.
Also, do not fear, Bryan. Fresh breast milk is delicious, and you should be so lucky as to make that particular mistake. If you have pink eye, put it in your eye; it will make the pink eye go away. If she catches you doing this, run. RUN! They will need to make a new law to bring you to justice. They will name the new law after your co-worker.
Ricky Martin? I could’ve sworn that was Hasselhoff. Must have been the lighting.
where’d you get a GI Joe magnet?? i must have one!
For some reason, the outside of my refrigerator is made of wood, so I can’t magnet anything to it. Wtf? What am I supposed to do with my collectible erasers collection?
You didn’t talk at all about how dirty the refrigerator itself is–do you not have an unidentifiable sludge (usally baby poo yellow) in the bottom under the drawers? Not only is it unidentifiable, it’s also miraculous–where did it come from?? What stored food item leaked this goo?? Does it have special powers? Is it edible?
Bryan: You can make a latte with the breast milk. Mmmmm, sounds like something Starbucks would.
Pony: Sorry. I didn’t realize you were such a huge Ricky Martin fan.
Alex: If I had a press photo of the Hoff I would lose my shit. I don’t want to just print it out from the Interwebs. I want like the glossy ones. That’d be hot.
Ian: Read the entry! It’s vintage from the 80’s. LEftover party favor.
Liv: Use a lot of tape? We had a wood fridge too when I was growing up. We used tape. Totally NOT satisfying.
Tracyene: Oh well since I don’t have much in my fridge, it’s pretty clean. But my old fridge was a total mess. But then it broke and they had to give me a new one so I didn’t have to clean it. Ha ha ha! Winner is me!
The mackerel curry is Japanese. The letters are definitely katakana. Chinese characters have too many fuck ass long strokes which and you need to know at least 4-8000 of them to be able to read a Chinese newspaper. Luckily there are charts out there to look them up via radials or electronic versions- the Japanese use them all the time. Koreans for the most part have foregone Chinese ideographs.
Mike: You can see all the Chinese characters in formal Korean writing, pick up the newspaper. It’s still in there. It’s like how English uses French or Latin words for some stuff, vis a vis or quid pro quo and all that.
Dude were can i find mackerel curry in a can?? I MUST HAVE IT!!!
if you want one of those gijoe erasers you gotta come to one of my super sweet slumber parties 23 years ago.
That eraser has never been used to erase anything! rare mint condition!
Show a picture of the 50lb phone I also gave you, if its not already in the trash where it belongs.