Pimp My Chair
With the help of an anonymous architect, I have tricked out my chair. It is so tight and so pimp that every chair within a 300 mile radius is weeping from jealousy. They look at themselves and they wonder, why, baby Jesus, why can’t I be pimp? Am I forever damned to this life of mediocrity? Is there any hope?
Oh, but there is.
I have posted directions on how to turn your stupid, non-pimp, and non-tight chair into the Rick James of chairs (crack pipe not included). You can read about it on the Emeco blog, over here. But heed this warning: If you cannot handle the pimp, you should not even bother looking. I mean it. This chair is only for people who understand the power of pimp and can use it for good and not evil. Good meaning pimping and hustling. Evil meaning everything else.
And in other news: Last Known Settlers, my rock n’ roll band, has put up musical tunes for your enjoyment. You can check it out on MySpace because we don’t actually have a “real” website and Nathan would totally freak out right now if he knew, but shh don’t tell him. It’s our little secret. If you see Nathan please do not mention this to him.
I am going to Los Angeles in a few weeks to visit the family, i.e. get annoyed. I called my mother on Thanksgiving and told her I was going to spend it with a big group of friends, and she asked “Everyone you friend marry? Or are they….SINGLE?” Gasp! Choke! Sputter!
OH GOD NO NOT SINGLE PEOPLE!
Anyway I told her that we were all single and old and unhappy and we’d all sit around the table wiping our tears, and then after pumpkin pie the girls would have a contest to see whose ovaries were more barren. Clearly I’d be the winner. My womb looks just like the Gobi Desert, with camels and everything. She did not think this was funny. I kind of thought it was funny though. But I am one of those people who laughs really really hard at their own jokes. I am my own best friend.
But here is a fact: 41% of Americans 18 and older are unmarried/single.
This is a real fact. Not one of the fake ones you see on TV. Anyway it is almost like 90 million people. So for everyone out there who has to deal with a parent complaining about your barren womb stuffed with camels and scorpions and roving bands of nomads, fear not, my friend. You are in good company.
dude, if i saw you sitting in that pimp ass chair on the street, i would TOTALLY give you a quarter, NAY, TWO quarters!
Didn’t they just pimp a lazy-boy in the comic strip LuAnn?
Sandy: Aw thanks. You’d also give my battery a jump too I am sure.
Beth: LuAnn is still going on????
Hi Annie, my mom is friends with your mom (one of them church friends) and I just finished reading your delightful book. “Rules of Engagement” was my favorite. I will definitely recommend it to my friends (not to worry, I will make them purchase the book so you can buy more pimp chairs). Hopefully you can sign my copy through the mommy channels!
Love your chair blog especially the recycled bit, hope your cut is good. I was gonna watch the whole 77 step process film but i just got the bill for the huge downloads the kids have been into. So sorry i couldn’t look at the craftsmanship as well. Very stylish blog though.
I make chairs too but out of wood and sometimes recycled steel and rubber.
I made two outdoor bench seats for two out of 1200 bicycle inner tubes that are very comfy.
an emeco chair like that would make my desk much more pimp than it already is…
Yep and she’s even got a musical. Have a look at comics.com, she’s there. Plus she’s got a myspace page. I’ve got her listed as one of my friends.
Jocelyn: Hey! The Korean Mom Network is very powerful and dangerous. Sometimes it is used for good. Sometimes, most of the time, it is used for evil. My mom likes to use it to tattle. It’s the WORST. But I’ll definitely sign it. Just send it through the network. Thanks for reading, and I’m glad you enjoyed it! Whose your mom?
Simon: My cut is a chair. So I can ruin it. Not a bad form of payment. I would like one to try to blow up or destroy. In fact, I will ask the people now.
Ian: My desk is also my kitchen table which is really just a dumping ground of crap. Not so pimp.
Beth: A MUSICAL???? OMG.
I know… cartoons characters singing about teenage angst and crap. who wouldn’t pay hundreds to see it?
i am so insanely jealous right now anout your pimp chair.I do’t know what to say. I WANT ONE DAMMIT. i must go weep from jealousy know
p.s. love your book my friend cried she laughed so hard
Meg: The chair is PEEMP. But it is cold. A PEEMP but cold chair. You should weep with jealousy. I mean look at it. There is a toaster on it. Thanks for reading my book, by the way.