For the past two weeks I was taking care of Aura’s cat. I like cats. I get along with them. I like animals where I do my own thing and they do their own thing. Dogs and children are animals that will not let you do your own thing. This is why I do not have dogs or children. I guess I don’t have a cat either but I probably should because my apartment is the size of a litter box so it would be really convenient. For a cat anyway.

Aura’s cat is really aggressive and vocal and pretty much hisses and bats at everything, but she is declawed so it’s cute to see her get all pissed off and then not have the goods to back her shit up. But Kitty and I have a good relationship. She hisses at me and then I hiss at her and then she hisses at me and then I hiss at her and then she bats at me and I bat at her and then she flips out and runs away because I’ve definitely got the goods to back my shit up. Then later she comes back to me and wants to be loved and then purrs so much she drools on me. Basically, I don’t take her that seriously. I think of her as an old curmudgeon who is kind of a racist but is somewhat senile and means well, so you’re like OK I will ignore everything you said about “orientals” because you pee in a bag. Except instead of a bag, Kitty pees in a box.

“Feed me, you imbecile!”
“I ain’t feeding you shit, Kitty. It’s six o’clock. If I feed you now you’ll start harassing me at eight.”
“FEED ME!”
“No. If you want food get it yourself. OH wait, you can’t do that can you?”
“I hate you. FEED ME HUMANOID!”
“I said, NO.”
HISS HISS HISS cough cough sputter
“Hahaha! Cat got your tongue? Ha ha ha that was a funny joke…you know because you are a cat….”
“Why don’t you clean up my turds, Humanoid?
“Dude, you’re the one with dingleberries.”
HISS HISS cough cough sputter cough cough sputter
“OH shit, Kitty, are you OK?”
Cough hack cough cough sputter cough hiss
“Seriously, are you cool?”

So then Kitty goes into a kitty asthma attack which sounds just like a human asthma attack. But it passes and soon she is sleeping on my lap.

The next day I notice her ears are bleeding. She is scratching the crap out of them and her back paws are bloody. She clearly has some kind of rash. Then she vomits four times in a row, emptying out everything in her stomach and it smells really gross. Like a combination of “Turkey Giblet Feast” and hot trash.

So then I decide to take her to the vet. I pretend like I’m going to feed her and take out a Fancy Feast and she totally gets all excited and has a Kitty hard on but then I pick her up and stuff her in her carrier and she FLIPS OUT and the entire walk to the vet’s office she is whining and hissing and struggling in the carrier and everyone on the street is like oh man there is some kind of wild animal in that handbag.

She has asthma, acid reflux, and allergies. She is an old man. So I have to give her pills. She is on nice drugs that even my doctor won’t give me for my allergies which makes me think I should see a vet instead of a doctor. I try to hold her down and shove one down her mouth and she spits it out and then struggles so hard that I’m afraid she’s going to hurt her stupid self so I stop and leave a note to Aura: Hey, welcome home and have fun with this.

So there you go. That was my weekend. But to be honest, I rather have a cat that has a set of steel balls than one that just cowers in the corner and hides. This is a real cat with a real personality. Not some bullshit cat. Aura’s sister has a total bullshit cat. It’s scared of everything and has the fight bred out of him. He is like a boring, roaming ball of fur. If Kitty were human, she’d carry a shiv and a tube sock filled with rocks. But then when you weren’t looking, she’d bake you a flourless chocolate cake. Filled with poison. Literally. She would kill Bret Michaels and then put him into a cake. HAH just kidding, Bret Michaels is already dead.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 24th, 2007 at 2:27 pm and is filed under not raging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.