I am not invincible.
You know what really hurts?
My toe.
I either sprained it or broke it, I can’t tell. It’s purple and swollen, but I can still walk on it. But OH MY GOD it is really killing me. It looks like a fat, purple cocktail sausage stuck on my foot. I could probably stick a toothpick in it and serve it on a fancy napkin. It’s my second toe too, which is really long and people tell me it looks like a prehensile claw, even when I tell them technically claws can’t be prehensile and then they tell me to shut my facehole. Anyway the point is that my toe looks like a prehensile Vienna sausage and I’m not sure what to do about it.
I could go to the doctor, but what would she say? You can’t do anything for a toe. Maybe I’d get a fancy boot. Which means people would have to give up their seats on the subway for me, which is kind of nice. I’ll be in the “elderly, disabled, or pregnant” category of people, which isn’t necessarily bad. I would like to sit in the “priority seats”. I would also like a cane. A cane can make an outfit look more dapper or more gangsta. Maybe I will get one with a big skull on it. With ruby eyes. Anyway I will think about my toe and consider my options and life in general.
Here is the part where I will be honest and reveal how stupid I truly am: I injured my toe during YOGA. I was jumping from this one thing to this other thing, and my toe decided, you know what? I am sick of this bullshit yoga. Go F yourself, I am staying RIGHT HERE. So there you go. I sprained/broke my toe because it refused to listen to directions, like some kind of punk with a cause. Guess what, Toe? I don’t like you either.
And in other news: Happy Birthday or Whatever is available in Korean. I had no idea it was out yet, but apparently it is. I received an email from a reader in Korea and I was like oh crap! It’s out already? No one tells me anything! So anyway if you want to order it in Korean, check out this link. In Korean they’re calling it “Fashion Terrorist” (I had no say in the title or the cover for that matter. It’s girlier than I expected, but then again, everything in Korea is much girlier and cuter). But the title is funny because they sound the English out phonetically: pa-shun teh-lo-leest-uh.
I think it’d be really cool to take the Korean translation and translate it back into English and then translate that into Korean again and go back and forth. It’d be like a game of literary telephone. We could translate it in different languages and keep going to see what happens. Could be interesting, right? We could try it with a paragraph, anyone want to help me on this? Sounds like an art piece. Or maybe a piece of shit. Hard to say.
Is that a woman’s profile popping out of the top right title character? I kind of like the cover. It makes me want to see your book translated into cartoon.
Okay I’m not a mom but I’m so going to sound like one as I tell you, “Go to the freaking doctor or call the advice nurse.” My friends nephew ignored his hurt toe and now HALF OF IT IS GONE!!!
So anyways~ I am loving your book and am two chapters away from finishing! (The English version!
Go to the doctor! I’ve broken two toes in my life, and for the first one I went to the doctor and he straightened it out and taped it and it healed just fine. For the second one, I didn’t bother, and it healed all crooked. It looks wrong, it feels wrong, and it will always be just plain wrong. Go to the doctor.
I’ll help you translate a paragraph back and forth and back and forth between English and a cartoon.
You know when you sprain or break your finger and you get this funny little metal thing to tape on your finger so it heals right? If you go to the doctor you might get one of those! Anyway, if you don’t go, then you may never be able to use your toe AGAIN. dun dun dun!
Micah: Yeah and there’s a high heeled shoe in one of the bottom “letters” too. It would be cool to see the book translated into a cartoon. Do you still want to go to S.F. with me?
Stephanie: I went to the doctor. Waiting for x-rays now. Thanks, mom. Heh
Julie: I went to the doctor and took an xray (still waiting for results). I’m so paranoid that someone’s going to step on my toe that I’ve been standing on one foot on the subway like a flamingo.
Pony: I am ready for Hawaii, k thx.
Planning Student: You know I thought toes were kind of useless until I messed up mine and now I am like OK I am still not sure what they are for but damn if it hurts and makes me walk as if I have something up my butt.
You know, I think you can just go to the drugstore or supermarket or whatever and buy yourself one of those little metal brace thingies to put on your toe while it heals (although I’m sure going to the doctor works just as well… probably better).
I just found out the other day that my friend broke her leg over the summer and her 15-year-old cousin set the bone for her. Then they just put a bandage on it. Never even went to the doctor.
Weird, huh?
sooo… i have this ritual.. every month they email me this “Borders Reward” 25% coupon every month (cause i’m special)…
anyways, i print out my coupon, and take my fat ass to the Santa Anita mall in Arcadia. i then proceed to the nearby food court to get my 99cent McDonald’s soft serve (cause i’m cheap and the sundae is too caloric) and then i stroll over to Borders to pick up a copy of your book…
well.. this was the second time i’ve gone and the second time its been sold out… (i think that’s good news and they do ship it to you for free if its sold out)
what i’m gettin at is if they are telling you your book isn’t selling in Arcadia they are full of shit… and if you don’t think there are a whole boat load of Asians per square foot in that mall than you must live in China..
btw, before parking in the Santa Anita parking lot.. be sure to tie some red ribbon or other visual aid to your antennae, so you don’t spend an hour trying to identify your Silver Camry from the other 10,000 Silver Camrys in the lot…
its times like this i wish i would have just tossed the memo that required all Asians to drive Silver Camrys or Silver Accords…
congrats on your sales in Arcadia! and tell them to double their order!!
Maui: That seems like a really bad idea. A fifteen year old kid shouldn’t do anything but play video games and annoy their parents.
The Donald: What about champagne/gold accords? that’s pretty asiany too. I had an old volvo. It was blue. Then it caught on fire. But that was after my brother hit a mailbox. Also thanks for trying to get the book (again). If you still can’t get it, I’ll just send you one, you seem like a nice enough person even though you have the worst combover ever.
grats for the book offer, but no worries, i have plenty of copies….. just accumulating some more for gift bag stuffers..
i like to give “personalized gifts”… in mass quantities… ;p
I love Asians. (comment on stuff above). They are so friendly, like even the teenagers. The teens these days if you smiled at them-well, excluding me-would give you a weird look and run the other direction. But Asians, they smile right back and even wave! Besides which, they invent the best stuff ever. Horror movies, video games, disney, how can anyone -not- love these guys?
I can understand the whole ‘injuring’ thing. I get injured getting out of a chair (I sit on my feet and when I get up they’re all numb and I’m all ‘Hi ground, how are we today?’.)
Oh and by the way, don’t click my link if you want your brain intact. Just saying. =D
I used to play around with babelfish.altavista.com, or the Google languages page, by typing in a sentence or paragraph, translating it into Spanish, translating that into French, etc., etc., and back into English, to see how it ended up. If you like the procrastination, like me, it’s a really good method. If you want to send cryptic emails or blog post comments anonymously, it’s also a good method.
Good luck with that Vienna sausage toe! Wrap it up in tape or something!
Prink: You are too late. I turned into a zombie years ago.
Catherine: I want to do it with humans because it’d be prone to different errors across translators which could be cool. Or lame.
My toe is OK. it is a bone bruise. weak.
I’m so glad the Korean version is out. I know my Mom will get a kick out of it. Thanks for the heads up!
Hey Annie, I just finished reading yr book. And gosh, u had me from page 1. Hilarious !! I think you have a wonderful sense of humor and to put it in writing is, I guess, not an easy task. Some parts of your book had me doubling over with laughter esp about yr trip to the Buddhist temple, ‘the flared nostrilled statues’ who were angry coz they looked like ‘they smelled something unsavory’…yr dad’s built in ventilation in his underwear…etc, I can just go on. But hats off to you for keeping us entertained and i doooooo hope u’ll continue writing similar about subjects. I gotta admit, ” You no stupy!” Cheers!
Hmm…I was really hoping that you would respond to my comment. Excuse the grammatical errors I made in them :)…seriously I’m not that bad. Anyways, hope u have a good week ahead ! Cheers!
Sunni: No problem. It is out! I just shipped my mom a few copies. THey only gave me like…five of them. I’ll see where it’s available here, but I have a feeling you can only get it online.
Malini: Oh no, I’m so sorry! I totally missed this entire set of comments! I try really hard to comment back to each person who comments here, please forgive me.
I’m glad you liked the book, it makes all the trouble of writing it worthwhile. I think after reading my book my mom freaked out and threw out all of my dad’s underwear and bought him more. My mom actually waits till she goes to Korea and buys like 100000 pairs of underwear and socks because she doesn’t like the quality of American stuff, which I find hilarious because the American stuff is like totally made in Korea. Anyway, so now his underwear has no holes and he does not bring shame to the family. AT least not with his underwear.
Hi Annie, I took the liberty to translate the last paragraph from your post with an online translator into German, then into French, then Dutch,Spanish and back to English: here’s the result.
“That del belief I the loose fresh del really d ash of return the que ell at translation Korean take ell at del and translate ell dobladillo ell dado of it del and English and Korean translate ell and ell and then del still forward to the back goes. d ash as a ell tel. del literary the game of ¿Wij ell translate will be able and the different languages ell and will keep to see, what ell its interestingly del was possible, happens del enough? ¿Wij ell are able try satisfecho a drawer batea, everyone ell would want the these on Sys. que help? Separately such as the tones a ell exploit. Oder perhaps strongly says the drawer furgoneta Scheisse. to del del piece.”
Interestingly, the German word for shit (Scheiße) has been translated from English to German, but then sticks to the Translation as is… Is this what Esperanto is supposed to be?
Gunnar: So…that means Esperanto is only cuss words basically. I like “the loose fresh” that’s my new rap moniker.
Okay, I translated it for you here’s what happened.
First I put in Fashion Terrorist. Then I took the korean that came up and tralated it into english and it came up as popularity terrorist. I did the same thing again and it came up as popular terrorist, then masses terrorist, then mass terrorist, then massive terrorist, then vast quatity terrorist (wtf), then both terrorists who are vast, then the both sides terrorist who is vast and then when I turned it around again it showed the same thing. Therefore Fashion Terrorist= the both sides terrorist who is vast.
….the end,
Ellie: You rock! Hahaha Both Sides Terrorist who is Vast is a fine title for a book.