Introducing the Aeroccino
For my birthday, Aura got me an Aeroccino. Do you know of this machine from the future? It is from the same team of GENIUSES who brought you the Nespresso machine. Get on this: It’s a machine that froths milk. You think, hah, frothy milk is for the anemic unicorn-lovers who like milk in their coffee because they are too weak to take it straight up and black like a real man. I don’t care. I like my milk frothy. I will dye it pink and add fairies and glitter and My Little Ponies if I have to. This machine seriously KICKS ASS. You open the top. You put in (soy) milk. You wait. For three seconds. Then MAGICAL FROTHY MILK comes out and you add it to your awesome coffee, making it infinitissimo awesome. I know you are jealous. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. Unlike parents I can’t say “I haven’t been this happy since my kid was born.” And I can’t say “This is the happiest day of my life since my wedding.” I kind of feel like those answers are cheating anyway. No, sorry, you can’t use your lover or your kids anymore as an example of how happy you are. Anyway, I literally can’t think the last time I was this happy. I should quit my job and work for Nespresso but seriously I don’t think I’m smart enough. They are geniuses. They have STEEL TRAPS for brain. I have like a picket fence with termites.
Wow that thing is Expensiveee!!! I just looked it up on Amazon. You have great friends Annie, wanna share ???
Feline: She is the master of the bargain. I have a feeling she did not pay much for it. She is like the wiliest shopper ever.
Actually, being a wily shopper I bargained them down to, like, $0. But then, because I love Annie, I was like, “Fuck that, man, I want to pay more! MORE! MORE! I want to pay one million times that.” And then I realized (after a bit, because I was an English major and math’s not my thing) that a million times 0 is just 0, so I was like oh, well, I guess I’ll just pay the normal price like everyone else. And then my family shamed me (telepathically, because they weren’t there), and they (telepathically) reminded me that I was raised to bargain and find the best deal, and never, ever pay retail. But I guess the British, rather than the Jewish, side of my family was dominant that day because I didn’t feel any guilt at all. Actually, I think it was definitely the Brits who were in control that day because after I clicked purchase, a strangely-accented voice inside my head said, “I say, that contraption will look smart in Annie’s flat. Jolly good purchase. Give that to her and Bob’s your uncle, she’ll have frothy milk and love you forever.”
And remember, Annie, now you can join the nespresso club. You just have to log onto their website and make up a username (Buxom toothpick writer girl) and a password (Aura fucking rules) and then select what machine you own and how you got it and then they will customize a homepage for you and keep you up-to-date on the important happenings in the Nespresso world. And then you can be cool like me. Then we can make up a facebook group called Nespresso machines are sexy and cool, which would detract from our own cool and sexy factor, but we wouldn’t care because Nespresso is just THAT AWESOME.
If Nespresso machines were human and male (or if I was a lesbian and they were female - although then I would face a quandray because if I was a lesbian I would be all over Annie like white on rice), anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, if Nespresso Machines were men, I would make love to one (probably the Romeo E350, because that’s the one I covet and cannot afford (I assume that the reason it costs so much is that in addition to dispensing coffee and frothy milk it either comes equipped with a vibrator or it also dispenses absinthe), so anyway, me and human-male Nespresso Romeo E350 would make sweet, beautiful love, and it would be so special and moving and emotional, like two souls melting into one, floating up to heaven on wings of love, and we would both be so overwhelmed with the poetry and beauty of the moment that we would weep in each other’s arms, and then, when we had no tears left to shed, we would recline in front of a crackling fire surrounded by candles, on a floor strewn with rose petals, and read the poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning to each other. Then I’d have to excuse myself to go brush my teeth, because there’s no way I could have made it through that ordeal without throwing up. A lot. So on second thought, maybe we’d just fuck like normal people, and then afterwards enjoy a delightful cappuccino, and then I’d send him home so I could sleep because I CANNOT SLEEP and it is like way, way harder to sleep when there’s a stranger lying next to you breathing in that perfectly regular rhythm that signifies that while you are miserable, they are happily sound asleep, dreaming about the next nespresso they will drink. It makes you angry, and you think, “asshole, why must you flaunt your sleep in my face? And why must you entrap me with your arm so that I cannot escape from the chinese water torture that your steady breathing is to me.” Okay, I think I lost my focus a while back. But my point is, Nespresso products make me hot in a way I never thought coffee machines could. I might be a Nespressexual.
Cool…sounds FAB!
BTW…HAPPY BIRTHDAY OR WHATEVER!
Aura: Maybe it’s easier instead of turning a Nespresso machine into a man, turning yourself into a Nespresso machine. I was angered this morning because I didn’t wake up in time to make myself an Aeroccino ™ + coffee in your Bialetti, which I forgot to mention, is awesome, but not nearly as awesome as a Nespresso machine. If i had any kind of counter space at all that shit would be in my apartment on my nightstand. Sadly, I don’t have a nightstand because my apartment is 187 square feet, not that you’ve seen it, but take my word for it. I can’t wait to catsit. I’m actually going to BRING my Aeroccino with me. I’m gonna tell you right now, my mind will be BLOWN all over your kitchen.
Dude, my chair just got in yesterday it’s so special.
Aura, I died laughing when I read about you getting on Annie like white on rice if you were a lesbian. I think I’ve been spending too much think on Asian American message boards.
Doretta: I did consider phrasing it, “I’d get on her like she was the last train out of Poland,” but I decided to let her ethnicity, not mine, dominate my inappropriate metaphor.
And Annie, I’m so fucking jealous of your chair. Your apartment is like the coolest 187 sq ft in the city. and next time we’re standing at your building, I’m just forcing my way past you and seeing it.
Also, Doretta, are you allowed on Asian American message boards even though you’re actually Asian CANADIAN?? Do you hide your actual nationality when you are in the chat rooms? Like a pedophile hiding his age on myspace?
Aura: I always tell people I am Canadian. Actually, I stopped doing it for a while–but online I’m always like, bitches, I am Asian Canadian.
I would like to point out at this time that I’m not nice. I’m just polite.
So let’s recap. This Aerocchino doohickey is fucking cool because A) it can make hot bubbly milk just like your local kaffeehaus and B) probably has that weirdass styling and flair the Italians are known for and c) it generally costs a metric fuckton of money but most folks who own one feel it’s worth it. Anything else?
Mike: You’ve got it. Glad you are paying attention.
P.S.: Nestlé = Swiss.
Andreas: Yeah apparently everyone in Switzerland has a Nespresso machine because they are all so civilized. LIke even gas stations have it.