Mail Bag
Today at the office we got an email from a kid asking “What did dinosaurs eat in 1778?” That pretty much made my day. I can’t remember the last time my day was made this damn hard. Once we got an email asking “What is sexual airforce?” and it took about four hours and five people to figure out the kid meant “sexual intercourse.” Sexual Airforce is the greatest band name ever and I HAVE DIBS DO NOT POACH. Anyway back to the first question, I have no idea why it’s 1778. I’m not sure why that year is particularly important. I mean 1776 yeah, but 1778? It was more of the same as 1777. Seriously. According to Wikipedia, in 1778 Captain Cook discovered Hawaii. I love the whole idea of discovering a place where people already live. Can you imagine some dude coming to New York City and being like “HOLY CRAP I JUST DISCOVERED NEW YORK CITY! WE SHOULD NAME IT AFTER ME. LUCKILY MY NAME IS NEW YORK CITY.”
Anyway, I don’t answer emails from kids because everyone agreed that my answers would be inappropriate. But here are some answers I came up with.
What did dinosaurs eat in 1778?
-children who did not study
-god, and then Darwin
-Kashi Good Friends
-astronauts
-peas
-dodos and giant pandas
-kittens
-trans-fats
-Primal Strips brand vegan ‘beef’ jerky
-Santa Claus
-your parents
Anyway I could keep going but I shouldn’t. OK I will.
-loner socks
-the oeuvre of James Patterson
-children named Hudson, Goethe, Amadeus, and Apple
-children named John
-people who have arguments loudly on their bluetooth headset
-refried beans
-David Caruso
-carbs
-the lost city of Atlantis
-philosophy
See? This is why they won’t let me answer kids’ emails. Or go near kids in general.
And in other news, “Dear Architects” has given me another opportunity, this time away from architecture and toward something else in which I have no background and yet still gets my panties in a tweest: Design. I’ll be a contributor for a blog by a company called Emeco, which produces high-end chairs. The kind you see in museums. All very fancy. I’ll post links when it’s up.
• pears
• squash
• cabbage
• shoe laces
• tuna salad
• guacamole
• ink
• hair conditioner
• books with 200+ pages
• toilet paper dispensers
• other dispensers
• words with letter “q”
• caesar salad w/grilled chicken
also
• epoxy
• tumult
and of course
• grapes (without seed)
*Philadelphia cheesesteak
*three toed sloths
*one eyed hermaphrodites
*Rosie O’Donell
*guacamole
*biphenol A
*chimichangas (beef)
*unleaded gas futures
*small chinese girls
Serifcan: Nice. Caesar salad though? I thought dinosaurs were allergic to anchovies. Just saying.
The Donald: You forgot fair trade coffee.
*tast d-lite
*water chestnuts
*toejam
*nutella
*all-you-can-eat korean BBQ (SWEEET!)
*shrimp crackers
*pocky
*Tad’s Steaks (not so sweet)
Megaron: I didn’t realize dinosaurs liked tasti-d-lite. I thought they liked Pinkberry instead. Man I really should’ve paid attention in school.
To avoid any confusion and misunderstanding, I wanted to clarify my list was combined for both herbivores and carnivores.
also:
-authors who blurb themselves (Listen up, Patterson!)
-people who use possessive apostrophes when they are trying to make words plural.
-douchekits
-people who can’t sleep, because dinausaurs, even the fierce ones, are kind and want to put these poor fuckers out of their misery
-people who overuse emoticons
-people who use the speaker phone function on their cell phones even though they are not in the one situation in which that is acceptable: ie. alone, in their car, in a state in which driving without a hands-free phone is illegal
-people who use the walkie-talkie function on their cell phone to have intimate conversations with their girlfriends while riding the bus
-brains
-toast
-cool whip
I like that dinosaurs like to eat………
people who have arguments loudly on their bluetooth headset.
I think that should go hand in hand with the people who are on their cell and they’re driving 45 mph in a 65 mph zone in the freakin fast lane.
Annie: Dinosaurs like tasti-d-lite cuz they’re old school like that. Their descendants, birds & reptiles, are huge fans of the Pinkberry. A friend of a friend of my grocer heard that on the Discovery Channel.
Aura: Nice, and in addition Aeroccino machines due to their heavy badassedness
Sunni: In that case the dinosaurs would eat the entire car.
What dinosaurs SHOULD eat:
-Little cousins. Ok, I love them and all. They -are- family but, you know, it gets a bit much when you go to have a shower to regain your sanity and they pull out a recorder and start screeching with it. So, like I’m standing there, ripping my hair out. It would be nice if a dinosaur could help me there. You know, just scare the critter a little. Chew off an ear or something.
-Highschool boys. All the alpha males just sit there, fart and make animal noises. Get. Rid. Of. Them.
Am I allowed to post a comment this big? If so I think I should stop here and, oh, what’s wrong with people talking on their phones in cars? It provides me great entertainment when the guy behind me continues to ignore blaring police lights and whatnot whilst chatting on his phone. (Actually happened)
Oh and, what’s wrong with short Chinese girls? Anywho, thanks for amusing me with your blog!
Prink: You are allowed to post a comment that big for sure. People have commented much longer to the point where I’m like, hey, get your own damn blog! Just kidding. I think that dinosaurs should eat little cousins too. And big ones.