Most Annoying People of All Time
OK, maybe not “of all time” since there’s been a lot of time and a lot of annoying people filling up that time. But, I am talking about that certain kind of person that reads a certain type of book in a certain type of place. This started as a discussion at lunch and then it kind of started up again in the comments of my last post, which really had nothing to do with anything except for drunk people, pizza, and being a douchebag. Blogs are good for that. A lot of talking about nothing.
So there’s the person who reads Kant (or even worse Kerouac) in a bar, Hemingway in a cafe, and Doretta saw some dude reading David Foster Wallace in a bar, which is pretty bad. Reading in a bar seems kind of weird to me. At a cafe, yes. At a bar, not so much. In some ways it seems like a thinly veiled attempt to pick up people. Like hey, look how smart I am. I’m reading Aeschylus. LOOK HOW SMART I AM. I AM DOWN WITH THE GREEKS. It’s kind of like walking a puppy to meet girls. Just a low attempt to get attention or put out a certain image. People who write in a bar are bad too. I think public writing is pretty bad. Like somehow on a laptopit’s ok, but once you go analog and write in a notebook or diary while sitting in a bar or cafe you become a major douchebag. Oh man in L.A. it’s like everyone is writing a screenplay. That’s pretty bad. Because you know their screenplays do not have zombies in them so what’s the point of even living. Maybe I will write an open letter about this too.
Anyway, a year ago I was talking to someone at a party and I said I had never read Sebald and he sorta freaked out OH MY GOD YOU’VE NEVER READ SEBALD?!? BUT YOU LIKE HIM, RIGHT? I was like wow. You are annoying. Oh there’s chips and dip over there. I will go over there. Good-bye, annoying person, I am done with you. And then he proceeded to follow me to the chip-and-dip area. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE NEVER READ SEBALD! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? It was a torture. So now I’m patently against Sebald, though I’m sure his books are good but it’s forever stained by douche. Which is a shame. I hear Sebald liked to rock a party. Anyway my co-worker had a similar situation because she hasn’t read Ulysses and some guy freaked out “That’s the problem with today’s youth. You haven’t read Ulysses.” OK I’m pretty sure that the “problem with today’s youth” isn’t the lack of Ulysses. I think it’s more like violent video games or something. I have no idea what “today’s youth” is into anymore other than the same thing today’s adults are into, which is drinking and doing it.
Anyway, my point is this: There is a lot I haven’t read, including Sebald. I did read Ulysses in high school but I think that anything anyone reads in high school doesn’t count unless it was, I dunno, Flowers in the Attic or something. But here’s what I can do: I can factor a polynomial, and I can find a regression line. Can you do that? OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU CAN’T FACTOR A POLYNOMIAL. You must be a total loser.
Now I have to relay this story. All of this takes place in Chicago…and my friend is NOT Brad Pitt. A buddy of mine met his girlfriend in a bar for dinner before meeting the rest of us for a bachelor party. She leaves after dinner and he still has time to kill before meeting us so he pulls out a book. Seems a reasonable excuse to read in a bar and besides it’s still daylight. So a, “really decent looking girl,” walks over to him and starts a conversation. Not only that she offers to buy him a drink!! How often does that frickin’ happen?
But yes, people who read in bars are pseudointellectual showoffs who should be ridiculed mercilessly.
based on the some of the movies coming out in the past few years (Sean of the Dead, 28 Days Later, and now some video game movie coming up with Laura Croft in it) i actually think a lot of the screen plays _are_ about zombies these days.
Oh wait, sean of the dead and and i think 28 days later and it’s recent sequel were all british movies. I guess Hollywood isn’t turning out so many movies after all.
Go figure.
Bryan: It’s OK I see guys pick up girls all the time with their dogs. I mean clearly it works that’s why people do it.
Mathew: There can never be enough zombies. And Sean and 28 came out like a million years ago. MORE ZOMBIES
btw, i tried to read a sebald book (austerlitz or something) once and couldn’t get past the first few pages. not sure if that proves what an illiterate moron i am- or that sebald is annoying douche. david foster wallace’s non-fiction is pretty good - but his novels are impossible to finish. but reading anything at a bar pretty much qualifies you to have a pie filled with horse pucky thrown at your head.
Annie- I see the dog thing work all the time too, not really surprising, cute works. In the end its all just a way to start a conversation.
Oh, the original reason I posted was to say I enjoy your writing and I hope your book is a huge success. Yes, I purchased it. I promise to recommend but not loan it out. If you need to boost sales don’t underestimate the power of counterfeit OPRAH BOOK CLUB stickers
i like to read Machiavelli in cafes.. just a polite reminder to let everyone know who the real boss is….
Haha, I didn’t see the dude reading in the bar. Someone else did. Or it was just like drunk talking about a hypothetical doucebag archetype in New York.
The Donald: Hahaha that’s awesome. If I were you I’d fire every douchebag I met in a bar.
Doretta: I think the worst is the person reading or writing in a really BUSY bar.
I’m an English teacher, and I’ve never read Huckleberry Fin. And I’ve never even heard of Sebald. Not sure what that means, but I can relate to those annoying “OMG You’ve never” people. Ugh.
Also, I was once reading a romance novel in my high school English class, and my teacher faked a heart attack when he saw Fabio on the cover. At least I was reading!
I’m going to fish out my totally worn out copy of Flowers in the Attic and get to my coffee shop. I sure hope they are stocked up on powdered donuts!!!
Annie, if you are up for more zombies, check out the xbox 360 vid game: “Dead Rising” It’s bloody comical. regards.
The last time I read in a bar, I was unceremoniously kicked out of the house by my roommate, who wanted to have a Christmas party for family and friends that didn’t include me, so I went to a bar I know with Bitch by Elizabeth Wurtzel. It generated quite spectacular commentary, none of it directed to me, but it was rather fun watching every one watching me.
“She seems like such a nice girl”
“Is that a naked woman on the cover? Such smut”
I’m taking Porno by Irvine Welsh next time.
So I was browsing the library yesterday, August 25th. And nothing was really jumping out at me (it’s a small city library) until I saw the cover of your book. So I pick it up to take it home with me, and right before I start reading the first piece, I remembered to call my friend in Ohio whose birthday is also August 25th. Isn’t that a weird coincidence?
happy birthday.
What’s worse than people reading in a bar is the staff reading in a bar.
Oh, and who’s Sebald?
OMG, YOU’VE NEVER READ SEBALD?
Sorry, I just wanted to see how it felt to write that. Wow, I think I just earned my doucebag card.
P.S. Bartenders should be allowed to read because dealing with alcoholic jerks like us is hard work.
One question: Who the hell is David Foster Wallace?
Another question: What is a Sebald? Is that a type of water-mammal?
1.) The medieval grad students who invited me to their party and then told me the really fun drinking game we were going to play was where everyone had to say the name of a book and if you hadn’t read it, you had to drink. and, they added, “it’s, like, really fun because sometimes, someone will say the name of a book you should have read, but you haven’t, like the odyssey, and you’ll have to drink, and it’s, like, really embarrassing.” Way to ruin my saturday night, loserly geniuses.
2.) A close second: the guy who invited me over to his apartment, excused himself to the bathroom for an inexcusable period of time, and reemerged visibly stoned. Then, when I said, “Are you stoned?” he giggled, said no, and offered me tortilla chips with peanut butter. Yum. In the future, douchekit: the proper etiquette in such situations is this: “Do you want to smoke?” “No, I’m good.” “Oh, well do you mind if I do?” “No, go ahead.” And then go ahead and smoke up in the actual living room of your apartment, because you no longer live with your parents and you are no longer 14; you own the fucking apartment so if you want, you can go apeshit crazy and freebase in the kitchen if the fancy strikes you. You can eat chocolate for breakfast and sleep until 10 and not make your bed.
lmao! that’s seriously the funniest thing i have ever red and its so true. Just one question though, who the heck is sebald?
To everyone who asked about Sebald: He is some kind of writer. I don’t know much because I have NEVER EVER READ HIM WHICH MAKES ME A HORRIBLE PERSON. And since you guys asked me who he was, I can assume that you, too, are very horrible people.
Amalia: There’s nothing wrong with Fabio. I am trying to figure out how the man doesn’t age.
Debora: I hear they are making a movie out of it, which is ridiculous. It’s about time!
Dentist: I don’t have a TV or an XBox. It is a long story.
Beth: Sometimes I rip off the covers so no one can see what I’m reading. You can always use a Harry Potter wrapper around any other book.
JayinChicago: Thanks! I had a good birthday. I am still catching up on all the comments/emails as you can see. Sorry for the late response.
Norman: I also hate when bar staff inflict their horrible taste in music on you. It’d be nice to have a bar that had no music. Just like…alcohol and people.
Doretta: I’m not talking to you until you finish your chapter. You are on notice, woman.
Megaron:See above. I like water mammals. I want one.
Aura: OMG remember the Ulysses club? Where they read it out loud? I kind of wanted TO DIE. I was like if this is grad school I am seriously hozed.
Norman and Annie: come to Ireland. none of the pubs have music in them. well, the good pubs anyway.
there was a time i had to wait for a friend in a bar. because i was bored and there’s not enough action around, i took out the compact English-Korean version of The Little Prince and started reading. an old Korean man approached and asked me to go out if I want to enjoy the book. i pretended i don’t understand Korean and just smiled back at the ajossi. the nice bartender who can speak English translated what the old man said. luckily before any blood is shed, the friend arrived.
i haven’t read Sebald, too. honestly, never heard of him. is he related to Sinbad?
Deity: I don’t think Sebald is related to Sinbad, but if he were I think he’d be a better writer.