I am not a douchebag.
Two days ago I was walking behind a girl who was carrying my book and I was like DUDE! MY BOOK! Crazy! Then I thought, OK, what now? What should I do? Do I go up to her and say, hey isn’t that the GREATEST BOOK YOU’VE EVER READ? You know a high-school kid told me it was way better than Death of a Salesman. Do you like it? BECAUSE I WROTE IT! ALL BY MYSELF! ALL OF IT! Here, let me sign it. DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME? I WILL LET YOU TOUCH MY HAND AS LONG AS YOU WASH YOUR HANDS FIRST. Then I thought, OK, that would make me look like a real douchebag. Like the douchiest douchebag ever. Meaning, there would be no douchebag douchier than I. So I just kept walking. I mean only three people have read it so what are the odds of actually seeing someone with it on the street? Anyway it was kind of cool and also weird. Also I thought that if I went up to the girl she’d think I was some kind of stalker. People don’t do that in New York. If some stranger came up to me blabbering douche I’d probably bust out the mace. Which I don’t carry, but you know what I mean.
So on Saturday night a bunch of my friends are hanging on the corner because that is what we do on a Saturday night. And there is this guy with sunglasses on sprawled on the curb in front of a pizza joint. On his back, spread eagle, with a slice of pizza in his hand. The pizza place (which isn’t very good and actually kind of disgusting) closes around 11:30 or midnight and it is 1:00 which means he’s been lying there for an hour or so. So then we think, what if he’s dead. Is he breathing? OK cool he is breathing. Then we think, should we wake his ass up because he might get robbed. So then I think, should I call 311? Does he need help? Or is he just having a good time sleeping there next to the mailbox that all the dogs in my neighborhood like to pee on? He is just lying there with his sunglasses on because it is so bright with all the street lamps. John kind of nudges him with his foot and the guy stirs. He stands up, leans against the mailbox and finishes his slice. Just like that. He stumbles for a bit. And then boom he is ready to party. But I don’t know how he could eat the pizza, the place is really not very good.
DUDE! Was that girl ME??? Because I just finished reading your book yesterday! (LOVED IT, BTW) If it had been me, and you actually approached me, I might have wet my pants or at the very least, made you call a few of my friends on my cell phone. And by friends I mean my mom.
Sandy: Were you walking near Spring/Thompson St on Monday? And if you wet your pants in front of me that would’ve been really awkward.
Nope, not me then. If I ever do see you on the street, I’ll make sure not to wet my pants. At least not noticeably.
Hi Annie. I’m not sure if that would be really that douchey…second thought, the last time I was in New York I was in 7th grade so I may not be the most credible source.
My vote for Grand Pooh-Bah of Douches would be anyone sitting in a cafe in Paris reading Hemingway or possibly sitting in a Starbucks in Seattle reading Robbins.
Bryan: What about reading Kant in front of a bar? THAT IS THE WORST.
Haha, the other day I was talking to friends about dudes who read David Foster Wallace while sitting in a bar on a Saturday night.
I got one sentence into Kant for ethics 10 years ago and haven’t seen it since. You actually sent shivers down my spine.
How can you read in a bar? Aside from the anti-social aspect I can’t pick up a shot without spilling, all of my pages would be glued together.
Doretta: Ugh that is totally lame. YOU HAVEN’T READ SEBALD?
Annie, i was reading your book and you came up to me and said ‘i wrote that book’ i would not think it was douchy and would be excited. I would not wet my pants though. I don’t remember the last time i wet my pants, but it was a long time ago.
However, i am not a reliable source because i am not reading your book. I did get really close to buying your book last night, from amazon, but the room was dark and i was sitting on the couch and my credit card was not in sight, so the page is still open and it’s probably still sitting in my shopping cart.
That said, i was going to buy a used version of your book, which probably means you don’t get any money for me buying it. Which leads me to question, how much do you get for each sale anyway?, because if it’s like 2 cents a copy, then i could buy the used one, and send you half of the money i saved and you would STILL get way more money than if i just bought the new one, only then the publisher wouldn’t sell one more copy and that might mean that they are less likely to publish your next book, which i want them to do.
Sorry i didn’t use very much punctuation in this comment. I’ve been trying to save it, and i don’t want to run out of periods before the end of the week, when my quota is renewed- Tmobile’s crappy plan, i hope you understand.
oops - i meant to say “if” i was reading your book. not - i was reading your book. cause i wasn’t.
Mathew: I’m not sure how much I get per book to be honest. I was told not to expect any money from my book. Most first-time authors don’t make a lot of money. Actually authors don’t make money except you know, ‘real’ ones. You should buy the book. I don’t really care how. Ideally it’d be new from an independent bookstore cuz they can really use your pennies.
i got in trouble in bschool for writing in a film review for the paper that orlando bloom’s character in the movie troy was a “douche bag”(which if you saw the movie, he most certainly was). but this woman who worked in the dean’s office wrote a letter to me telling me how offensive to women that was & how disappointed that any journalist would resort to such horrible language etc. and i had to apologize to the dean etc. so i guess what i glean from seeing your usage is that i was vindicated bc douche bag seems perfectly acceptable. thanks for keeping the word alive on behalf of all the douches in the world who need to be called douches..oh btw, i gave your book to my co-worker & she really liked it(and she said she never reads any more).
Chris: Douchebag is a fine word, especially when it’s used to describe Orlando Bloom. You can use it describe other people too. Maybe that’s why she was pissed. You forgot to call Brad Pitt a douchebag. And uh that other guy. The one in the movie that was not Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom.
i think it’s a generational thing - back in the 70s - douche bag had a more sexist, misogynistic bent. but now, my female friends seem happy to call people douches without pause.
i think brad pitt was more like a prick in that movie (at least achilles was). are you referring to eric bana? bc he was the one actor i thought did a good job -the sole non-douche.
I love the word Douchebag….I use it quite frequently in my line of work!
“Ideally it’d be new from an independent bookstore cuz they can really use your pennies.” - thats a good reminder for me… i think i know just the right one
1) Reading in bars is totally ridiculous. Though I might just be jealous because I can’t even read my ID after a couple beers.
2) That was definitely me you saw at Thompson & Spring! I live right there and I’ve been glued to your book all week. I was laughing out loud on the subway.
3) Is laughing at a book out loud on the subway douchebag-y? Ah, who cares, it’s hilarious and I couldn’t help myself.
4) I would’ve been thrilled to meet you and not at all freaked out if you’d said Hi, I wrote that.
5) And finally, full disclosure: I work at your publishing house (in a different dept.). We are clearly very smart about who we put in print!
Sunni: Are you an architect?
Go to http://www.deardouchebag.blogspot.com
Amanda:
1) It’s annoying because how can you possibly absorb what you are reading in a bar trying to pick up the hotties?
2) Hey! I live in the area too. I’ve been trying to move out of my apartment for six years.
3) I love laughing at books on the subway because a) it’s not like no one ever laughs at what they read or see b) it makes people think oh man I wonder what s/he is reading and you’re like ha ha ha you don’t know what I’m laughing at, this one is just for me. It is like an inside joke with yourself. I am into it. I laugh all the time when I read on the subway. I mean if it’s funny, you laugh. The end.
4) I kind of think it’s a thin line between cool and douchery. Maybe it’s all in the delivery. Hey I wrote that vs. Oh man that is my favooorriittee book, because I wrote it.
5) Cool! Clearly there are awesome people working at Harper, I have been very pleased with the whole situation. Everyone is super smart and works really hard.
I’m so late on this but whatever. I was on the subway around the time that last Harry Potter book came out. Everyone had been asking me if I was going to get it and I was all “Please I’m too old for that sh*t.” Anyway, this guy sitting across from me had it and was fully engrossed in it when the girl next to me started talking to him about it. No, she had never read it either but her roomates were crazy about it and maybe she’d pick one up. What was it about HaPo that was so fascinating? What other books did he read? What did he do for an occupation? Really? Oh, she was in law school, but thought that Real smart people shouldn’t go - there’s more meaningful stuff out there. Yeah she was interning at some high profile law firm down on Wall Street this summer but she was thinking more along the lines of international world peace for after school. She was artful in drawing more and more out of him and peppering it with impressive yet self-deprecating facts about herself, all the while twirling her hair, fluttering her eyelashes, and giving off such a crinkly smile, MY eyes felt like they were getting crowsfeet. So I guess the reading thing works sometimes. Except I think the guy really just wanted to read his Harry Potter.
FYI: I’m a total douche. that comment was meant to go under your post referring to douchebags who “read” “cerebral” writings while in social settings as an obvious cry for attention. speaking of which, i am getting a little worried about the use of the term douchebag. i see it everywhere. everywhere! it’s good on your site; not so much on crappy celebloggy sites. it’s becoming commonplace, and yet, it’s such a beloved word. oh, 1999, come back to me! anyway, annie you’re the bomb. please don’t feel too creeped out if i stalk you. please? i’m harmless. thanks.
Artemis: If you stalked me I’d be honored. Sorry for the late response on this comment, I didn’t see it until now. I am a bad person.