My Crap is in Good Hands
One of the steps I took to becoming a “real adult” a few years ago was getting renter’s insurance. I’m not sure why because I’m sitting here looking at my crap and it’s exactly what it is, crap. Total crap. I have crap from IKEA, crap from the Big K, crap from Target which is only slightly less crappy than the crap from Big K because Isaac Mizrahi and Michael Graves put their names on this particular crap so it’s like sanctioned, designer-approved crap, and I even have crap given to me from other people because they were getting rid of crap, and I needed crap. Like oh that is a cool poster! You like it? I think it’s crap. Take it. Oh sweet, dude. More crap for me. You might think, but wait you are a published author, shouldn’t you be living it up? I remember at some reading a girl asked me if I was “living the dream” and all I could think of was this crap apartment full of crap, but now that it’s insured, it’s somehow more valuable. Anyway the only thing of value I have here is my computer. And my love. Allstate doesn’t cover love. I asked them. They said, no we don’t do that, but if your neighbor’s pipe breaks and real crap leaks into your apartment, we’ll cover that.
Anyway, my insurance agent–a man I’ve never met because I signed up over the interwebs–retired and passed my account to a new one. Her name is Anna. Today I received a birthday greeting card from Anna (it’s not my birthday until later) that tells “interesting facts” about what happened the year you were born.
*$2 bill re-introduced as U.S. currency
My aunt and uncle always give me a $2 bill for our New Year’s dinner. They say it’s good luck. But I literally have like a dozen of these from all the New Year’s dinners we’ve done together and I can’t get myself to use it because, hey, it’s a $2 bill and it’s lucky. I don’t see how it’s lucky if it just sits there. It’s money that can’t be used as money, so it’s original purpose has been lost. So then it’ s just a piece of paper. So what I’m saying is that next year they should just write “Two dollars for you! Lucky you!” on a piece of paper and give it to me because it’ll be just as useful.
*Tom Brokaw became news anchor of the Today Show
Tom Brokaw kicks it. In a cage match between Brokaw and Jennings, Brokaw would gravitas the daylights out of Jennings. But in a contest to see who could abuse the future-in-the-past tense the hardest, Jennings would come out the victor. I really, really, really, really despise future-in-the-past tense. Lately it’s been the hot tense and it has to be stopped. It makes any sentence sound extra douchey: “But Alexei had no way of knowing that he would become the leading expert on ballistic missile physics.” See how many extra WORDS are in that sentence???? Plus it’s like you’re injecting 20/20 hindsight onto your characters. It’s so lame. Young George Washington lead the fledgling milita to victory. He would become the first president of the United States. DOUBLE GROAN.
*Bruce Jenner won the gold medal in the decathlon at the Summer Olympics
Awesome. I like Bruce Jenner, especially when he got all angry and turned green and kicked everyone’s ass. I remember when Bruce Jenner was on Silver Spoons. It was one of those “very special episodes” I think about epilepsy or something.
*Supreme Court ruled death penalty not inherently cruel or unusual.
That’s exactly the kind of fact I want to remember from the year I was born. Yes, the Supreme Court says, the death penalty is not that bad, I mean really. It’s kind of OK.
There’s also a list of “Movies and Music” and an interesting tidbit called “Americans Living Then and Now” which is all typed up in swirly, cursive font to make it look, you know, fancy and festive. Bread cost $0.45 then and $1.49 now. I am pretty sure that bread does NOT cost $1.49 now. My bread costs at least $3, and it’s not like I’m buying some fancy stuff not made from wheat. Anyway the list is confusing and it sounds more like “Americans living Then and Then”. It also sounds like my parents saying “when I was your age, bread cost a nickel!” And now I can say, well actually it cost like, two quarters.
Bread that’s 1.49 can’t be had in NYC. Iowa yeah. But not New York. And those prices are sliced white sandwich bread which I regard as the tool of the Devil. Consumed only by the culturally deficient whose tastes buds have been destroyed by a green jello and carrot and raisin salad, it is a scourge upon this great nation and it’s foul existence is proof the minions of Satan are everywhere. My God what possessed the round eye to inflict such horrors upon this planet? Britney, pop, and Hollywood is one thing but there’s not excuse for that innocous object with the word “Wonder” printed on it. In short white sandwich bread is the reason why we have Jerry Springer and meth addiction.
Yeah, your sibling is a bread snob. I do realize complex carbs makes people; however if one is gonna stuff his nasty little cakehole he might as well enjoy the process. Bottom line- most bread on a supermarket’s shelves is fit only be turned into turkey stuffing after being toasted and drenched in herbs, chicken stock, salt, and butter. The sad thing a lot of bread places- like Panera or other chain “premiere” bakeries charge an arm and a leg for something that has a nice crunchy outside and chewy inside. Good God Drenched In Beef Gravy And Fried With bacon bread ain’t that hard to make. It’s been the staple of human diets. Period.
“I want my two dollars!” from the movie ‘Better off dead’.
I had always wanted a $2 bill when I was a teenager. Whenever my father collected money from restaurants (no, he’s not a mafia) for his seafood distribution company boss he would exchange the ‘special and rare’ $2 bills for his hobby collection. I must have followed his steps that I too once collected bills that were special. I still have a bill with the serial numbers 54888888 on it. With luck may be I’ll find one with all eight-8s. Does luck have anything to do with finding a (scarce) $2 bill or the ever elusive octa-8 bill?
What about the $1 golden dollars that’s too heavy to carry around? I was disappointed that it wasn’t even made of gold.
Fold your $2 into a ring and wear it.
Um, bread is most definitley over $1.49. Even wonderbread now that it’s ‘healthier.’ (snorts)
I save $2 bills also. But even if you do spend them, it’s kind of a drag for the cashier since there’s nowhere to put them and they have to be pawned off on some kid customer who’ll probably save them anyway.
Hey, we were born the same year! That’s cool because it means I can use all your “this happened the year I was born” factoids. Your aunt and uncle should start giving you bicentennial quarters, too. That’d be age-appropriate, and equally useless.
P.S. I love your blog writing and can’t wait to read your book!
Mike: You know how when we get nice bread, Mom tunnels out the inside part? That really annoys the living crap out of me.
Manwa: Those dollar coins are annoying. Have you ever bought stamps from teh post office from the vending machine? Well dont’ use a 20 to buy stamps because you’ll get like a thousand gold coins.
Emily: Exactly! People want them and don’t want them at the sametime. it’s annoying.
Catherine: I used to save bicentennial quarters, after my dad made a huge deal about them when I was little, and then I learned that they are like a million of them and not special and I had been saving like a hundred dollars worth of this stuff. So I used them for laundry.
Bruce Jenner was cool until he went to the discount plastic surgeon to get his face fixed… now he’s just freakin scary…
surgery and discounts just don’t mix…
Ron: I agree. There are something you just want to spend money on.
This dude my friend knows believes that he is a pirate. The dude often goes to the post office in order to procure those gold one dollar coins you mentioned, so he can carry them in a little pouch like it is his pirate booty.
First of all, I have to say that I loved your book. Though my mom’s family is Cuban, I saw a lot of parallels – especially when it comes to food, crappy language barriers, and the odd relative here and there. I thought, “My family is so nuts, and here’s another person just like me…”
Anyway, about useless currency, I have craploads upon craploads of $2 bills, $1 coins (Gold and Silver), Half Dollars…all these things my grandparents gave me that have no point. The thing is, I could use gold dollars and stuff if I really wanted to (my dad used to own a shop and some customers paid with them), but I can’t bring myself to get rid of them as annoying as their presence may be.
As for the bread, I make it myself. My sister has Celiacs so I make it gluten free just for her. It’s not all that bad either, though the gluten free flour tends to be more on the expensive side. Why does Quinoa do that to people? I mean, if you have some kind of food allergy, shouldn’t they make it the same as the other related items? A half pound box of rice pasta costs almost $5 and then you have Barilla on the other hand which (depending on the shape of the noodle) can cost $0.79/lb. What is that about?
Doretta: That’s totally messed up. Like real life role playing. ugh. I mean ARRRRGH.
Emmy: 1. Thanks! I think everyone can relate to having an annoying family no matter where you come from. I think family is just universally the most annoying thing ever. And I think universally everyone picks on dentists.
2. I had to start using them because they were adding up to a significant amount of money and it’s like damn. If i used it, I could like eat or have clean clothes or have a drink. So I caved in and saved a few. Check this out: I collect state quarters. I’m like some kind of geek or something. I collect the PA mint and the Denver mint too so like I have TWO sets. OMG LOSER ALERT
3. I had to go on a wheat-free diet for a month to see if I was allergic and that was really tough because there weren’t too many options like seven years ago. I love spelt though. Spelt pasta is awesome. And for rice pasta, you should just buy the Asian rice noodles, they taste the same (just like a little longer I think) and it’s like an eighth of the price if you go to an Asian joint. Seriously. And qunioa wins the award for most adorable food.
Annie: My grandpa was a dentist…we pick on him plenty. Apparently, they had the statistic for highest suicide rate in the US. I wonder if that’s still true.
My parents started me on this state quarter program thing, so I have two sets of everything too. At least it’s not like you’re collecting Barney videotapes or anything…I had a whole collection of those when I was 6. Embarassing. Not the kind of thing I usually tell people, either.
hi i enjoyed the read
Emmy: Since I live on the east coast it’s hard for me to get the Denver quarters because everything comes out of PA. I usually wait when I go back to California and then raid all my friends’ quarters. Because I am a mean person. Also because they all have laundry machines in their homes, why do they even NEED quarters.
Justin: Thanks
Come down to Brooklyn where you can get a fresh loaf from an Italian bakery for $1.50. They slice it for ya too!
The Silver Spoons ep with Jenner was about dyslexia.
Yeah, I actually remember that. Scarey, huh?
Sandy: I just spent $5 on a loaf of bread at Citarella and I actually have blood stains on my wallet. What a massacre.
Judy: Ahhhhh not epilepsy??? Damn. Ricky Schroader went to my h.s. Now that’s scary.