My friend Aaron just got a new computer. It is FROM THE FUTURE, and by the looks of things I’d say that the FUTURE KICKS ASS and I cannot wait to get there. Seriously. I am waiting for it to happen but it’s all happening very slowly. This future thing can use a little speeding up. Note to future: HURRY UP. NEVER KEEP A LADY WAITING.

1. Aaron’s computer has drain holes.
If you spill coffee, it will drain nstead of frying up your hot jam. This is something that was designed with me in mind. IBM experts and engineers (from the future) actually sat down and thought, What would Annie need? How does she mess shit up everyday and how can we prevent her from messing shit up everyday? And the answer is DRAIN HOLES. If there is water or coffee or any other kind of liquid near me, it will wind up inside my computer. Or my keyboard. Or my mouse. I started drinking out of bottles instead of cups so I can limit the amount of equipment I destroy, but it still doesn’t do me any good. I need a sippy cup but that looks…really stupid at work.

2. Aaron’s computer has a roll bar.
This is like the SUV of laptops. There’s a roll bar and when the computer is falling it apparently KNOWS that it’s falling and locks up the harddrive. It knows! Like it’s thinking: Hey I’m falling, I better lock up my hot jam. Totally ridiculous, right? It’s also made with titanium so you can throw it out of a window or at a co-worker if it pisses you off. Apparently in the future, computers protect you from yourself. But also protects you from others.

3. Aaron’s computer would have the fingerprint reader if he spent a measly extra $30, but he decided to be cheap and now he is full of sorrow and regret.
You can get a fingerprint reader to log on to everything. So let’s say you want to log in to your mail or to MySpace or to a cool website like www.give-annie-a-bucket-o-cash-and-a-cookie.org. You can just swipe your finger on the mousepad. DUDE! It’s the future! Aaron, if you are reading this, you are a dork. Why are you scared of the future?

Of course, the future has some disadvantages. Aaron tells me his computer locks up once a day and yells at him and makes him feel bad about himself. Like it says “System Error! You are worthless and nobody loves you.” or “Contact your Administrator: You can stand to lose a few pounds.” or “Error: You are ugly. I hate you.” or “Fatal Error: No one respects you.” That’s tough. I guess in the future no one minces words. They just lay it all down. In the future, computers do not tolerate losers. Fair but strict.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 2nd, 2007 at 1:14 pm and is filed under rage, technology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.