You remember how I lost my voice? (Read below). Well turns out, it was bronchitis. Let me tell you: I do not recommend this bronchitis business. I coughed so violently that I actually gave myself an asthma attack where my chest just seized up and then I started panicking like OH MY GOD I AM NOT BREATHING HURRY UP BREATHE! And then I’d stop what I’m doing and just stand there waiting. It was like one of those moments you see on ER where everyone is freaking out in the OR room and then suddenly someone yells CLEAR and there’s this ka-koom-chuh sound and then silence and everyone is just waiting to see what happens. OK that situation is nothing like bronchitis but sadly I’ve already typed it and pushing backspace seems like a lot of work at this point. Anyway I have antibiotics now and I’m coughing a lot less and my voice is more or less back and with a vengeance. I’ve got to make up for lost time, man.

I have lost my voice. It has run away from me. If you find my voice, please return it to me. I’m not sure where my voice has gone. Maybe it escaped to Mexico, along with my sanity and money. Either way, I sound like I’m going through puberty, again which would be nice because I would love to grow another few inches and totes be crushing all hard on Tommy from homeroom. I don’t think I have a cold, but I’ve been coughing a lot which annoyed my voice, so she decided she would not stick around. The problem is that I am still on my MONSTERS OF MEMOIR tour and this laryngitis thing has dampened the fun factor. Forecast today: slightly cloudy with a chance of LAME.

Yesterday I gave a little reading/lecture/Q&A to Girls Write Now, a non-profit that hooks up inner-city high school girls with writing mentors. They were an awesome bunch of whipsmart girls and I recommend donating time or money to them. YES GIVE THEM YOUR MONIES. I managed to squeak everything out, but today my voice was completely shot and I had a reading at the 440 Gallery in Park Slope. I went up to the mic and a bunch of garbage came out of my mouth that no one could understand. (This happens to me a lot but not because of laryngitis.) So then my friend Rebecca stepped in and read the piece for me. So a big up and a WOO HOO to Rebecca for being my stand-in. YOU ROCK. She did not impersonate my parents, though I kind of thought she should have gone balls out gung ho rambo. But you know, she’s not Korean but rather a Jew from Boston so it might look offensive or something. Anyway if any of you ever need someone to read something, I highly recommend hiring Rebecca. She’s got a nice voice. In fact, I think she stole mine.

I have been housesitting on the Upper East Side for the past week.

This is what I’ve figured out here in the 10021.

1. TV
I don’t have cable. I don’t even have a TV. But Aura does. And guess what? HOLY CRAP IT’S GLORIOUS. Seriously? Do you guys know about this TV thing? I think it’s really going to catch on. You may want to buy some stocks in TV because I think it’s gonna be big. Real big. Particularly the show HUMAN GIANT IS THE BEST THING EVER. Lets go! This is Rockafeller Center! Let’s go! Bing bong! Paul Scheer’s a Total Douchebag Pizzeria. This show makes me so happy. It really does.

2. Nespresso
I don’t have a Nespresso machine. But Aura does. And guess what? HOLY CRAP IT’S SCRUMPTULESCENT. This is how it works. You pop in this little pod into this machine. You push a button. And then espresso comes out. No wait, NESPRESSO comes out. It is like printing your own money. Yes! Do you want $100? Yes? OK, let me just pour you one. But wait, then the machine cleans itself! It’s self-cleaning! What? WHAT? If Nespresso can make an apartment version, I am into it. I will even pay $5.28 for it.

3. Honey Roasted Peanut Butter
Aura has a tub of honey roasted peanut butter. Have you had this? This is how it works. Magical elves take honey roasted peanuts. Then they grind it. Then it goes in my belly. Then all of the sudden, I want more. So magical.

4. Toys R Us
Has no power. The power is out. The lights are not on. They are off. There is no power. There is a ferris wheel in there. There are kids on the ferris wheel probably freaking out. I bet people are looting. If you like to loot and see kids cry, go to Toys R Us.

I just found out that HAPPY BIRTHDAY OR WHATEVER is going into another printing of 7,500 copies! Apparently Barnes and Noble put in a “big order” so that is A+. I am hoping to make corrections in this print run so if you guys have found any mistakes please email them and their page numbers to me at annie at annietown dot com. I will be most grateful. I will make you something. A toilet paper cozy. A paperweight out of a rock. Origami. Whatever you want, I’ll make it. As long as it’s a toilet paper cozy, a paperweight out of a rock, or origami. This book was one of the first to be electronically copyedited at Harper (no paper was harmed in the making of this book other than the destruction of trees to make the paper to print the book) so there are a few bumps in the text. But sweet, right? 7,500! I’m trying to wrap my head around that. Luckily, the Internet provided me with this example. Hahaha don’t ask me what that is. I mean you can ask me what it is but I can’t guarantee you that I will be right, though it seems obvious to me. It’s a time machine.

The reading at Olsson’s was fun and in addition very fun, so thanks to everyone who came out and showed their support. Special thanks to Alston, Tim, Ralphie, and Mimsy for letting me crash at their apartment. Olsson’s is a kick ass bookstore so if you live in our nation’s capital or the environs you should buy your bound goods from them. They have a killer stock and they’re hosting some ninja writers this month. DO IT. What is even more awesomulent is that I read there and they are not going out of business, so that is a plus.

I think that the service areas in Maryland are rather nice. Conversely, the service areas in Delaware are NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. Instead of gas stations, Delaware decided everyone should pay tolls just to drive across their state. Also New Jersey, it’s big. Also they do not let you pump your own gas so if you want to feel like a real celebrity, go to New Jersey. Anyway I don’t mean to harsh on Delaware, it is after all the “First State.” That’s much better than “Taxation without representation.” I do have a friend from Delaware, so apparently people do live there. They also have tax free shopping, that is what the billboards promised me anyway.

I am in the District of Columbia, also known as our nation’s capital. Their tagline is “Taxation without representation.” Aura pointed out that this is like saying “New York: High crime rate and pollution!”

One of the “bennies” of being a HUGELY AND WIDELY SUCCESSFUL PUBLISHED AUTHOR is that people drive you places and let you make a mess in the car. Since I am a PUBLISHED AUTHOR but not really HUGELY AND WIDELY SUCCESSFUL we had to split the difference so I drove Aura down to D.C. and made a mess in her car. OK so she drove me part way too. But I did make a mess. Sorry Aura. I like M&M’s. You can tell because they are all over her car.

We are staying with Aura’s friends in our nation’s capital and they have the most amazing dogs ever, Big Fat Ralphie and Mimsy (who also answers to Toots). Ralphie does this freakin hot parlor (parlour?) trick where you make him sit and then you point and say BANG and he FALLS OVER ON HIS BACK. DUDE. Amazing right? Like I can do that trick too but somehow it’s not as impressive. Dunno why.

Thanks to everyone who came out to Barnes and Noble in Boston despite the Red Sox game messing it up for the people on the streets. And thanks especially to Andy who let me crash at his place and eat all of his Cheerios. Seriously. Why is cereal so delicious? Cereal, I love you. Why must you be so expensive? Why won’t you love me back?

On Monday I head out to the District of Columbia for a reading at 7:00. Please, if you know anyone in the D.C. area, force them to go to Olsson’s. I promise delicious and warm, pleasing vittles (i.e. MY KNOWLEDGE).

To celebrate the opening of my friend’s store Clarabella, I’ll be doing a reading and signing. The store is located at 279 E. Houston between Clinton and Suffolk. I’ll start reading at 7:30 and I won’t finish until I’ve read the entire book aloud, including the copyright page. Ha ha ha no seriously. Bring a folding chair. This will be a good opportunity to buy something nice. I recommend the rings made out of silver and concrete. DUDE! Concrete rings! DO IT.

And to all you Boston-area bruisers: See you tonight at BU Barnes and Noble (on Beacon) at 7:00. After we will drink and eat babies.

A big thank you to everyone who came out to KGB last night. I had a good time and it was A+ to see some old friends, including Paige an old co-worker from The Hill (who has one of those accents you just want him to keep talking forever and like maybe read the phone book to you as you fall asleep), and my brother’s friend from high school Howard and his ladyfriend TJ. I probably hadn’t seen Howard since I was like 14 or something and Mike had sent him to “beat me up.” Awesome. Anyway that’s been the best part about writing a book - all the people from your past who come out of the woodwork to see you. In L.A. my friend’s entire family (mom, dad, brother, cousin, kid, aunt, jesus, mary chain) came to see me in Santa Monica and they live in LONG BEACH. WTF. And I hadn’t even met them before! I guess what I’m saying is that all the ice around my heart is slowly melting and I am experiencing what doctors call “emotion”. I don’t like it. I am going to do a couple of shots of whiskey and kill whatever it is I am feeling.

The KGB reading marked the halfway point of the MONSTERS OF MEMOIR Tour. I head out to Boston on Thursday for a reading at BU Barnes & Noble. I used to live in Boston (no, not for school but for actual work) so I’m looking forward to it. I think Boston gets a hard time for the most part. People really love to hate Boston, the way they love to hate Atlanta or Pittsburgh or Los Angeles. This is all really irritating. Like there are people who live in New York who really couldn’t live anywhere else because all other cities pale in comparison. There is no city like NY but there is also no city like Boston either. And then there are people who hate L.A. who haven’t even been there. Huh? I mean I hate donuts but at least I’ve had them before. I know exactly why I do not like donuts. L.A. is no donut. Neither is Boston. Actually Boston is a donut. Boston creme. You know what’s annoying? Spelling “cream” as “creme”. That’s just weird. You are not fooling anyone, Dunkin’ Donuts. This donut is not French or vaguely European. You can call it Boston cream and people will still eat it. Just not me.

I will be taking the GREYHOUND up to Boston. This is because my limo driver got food poisoning from our lobster and champagne dinner last night. No. I am a writer. I have like two dollars. I am taking the bus. Because that is the writerly thing to do, whatever is cheap and most painful.