Letters to A Dog, Construction, A Millipede
Dear Dog,
Please stop barking. Please. Please stop it. Or else I will destroy you and then eat you. Turn you into a pie and serve you to my friends who will say oh this is delicious did you make that yourself and I will say no actually I got it from Marie Callendar’s and then someone will say oh I believe this is the best dog pie I’ve ever eaten and I will say thank you and we will share a good laugh and a hug. STOP BARKING YOU ARE VEXING ME.
Best,
Annie
Dear Construction,
You are loud. I hate you. Please find a better time to dig up my street. May I suggest NEVER? Nothing is improving, you are just digging a hole and filling it back up. Did I mention you were loud? And that I hate you? No? OK well you are loud and I hate you. Stop.
Best,
Annie
Dear Mr. Millipede,
Why do you have so many legs? Why are you disgusting? Why do you make me anxious and sad? Why must you be in my apartment? Why must I scream like a little girl and run around waving my hands and getting someone to “take care of the situation”? Why must you cause a “situation” and turn my apartment into a Situation Room? Anderson Cooper will come here and be vexed. Why must you bring your friend cockroach here too? There are too many legs in this apartment and only two belong to a human. You do not pay rent, you do not get to stay. Take your friends and leave the premises.
Best,
Annie
