Find Me In Other Places

Annietown’s been inactive, but I have been very active. I do things! I also do other things! Then I do more things! Here’s where you can find me:

The Facebook – Let’s be fwendz!
The Twitter – Let’s also be fwendz!

I don’t have Instagram. (Picture me shrugging here.)

Writing on Bleeding Skull! – a video label and website that reviews obscure no-budget horror and exploitation films!

Music with Taken By Savages – We have some records! For your ears!

And, of course, you can get my books:

Shut Up, You’re Welcome
Happy Birthday or Whatever

The Moth: Boston June 23!


So if you managed to score tickets to the show then please come by and say hello! I will say hello back!

Here is a photo of a wombat which is not relevant to anything but your interests.


Bag Lady

I’m going to Germany this weekend to visit a friend. I tell my mother this and she asks, will you bring something back for me? And I’m like you mean, a gift? And she goes yeah, a gift for your own mommy. And I go uh…depends on what it is/how much I love you? She goes I want a purse. And I think, oh god, here we go, this can’t be good. I ask, what kind of purse? She says, Aramis. And I’m like…Aramis? As in the cologne from the 80s?


And she says, yes Aramis, they have nice scarves and wallets too. And then I realize she means HERMÉS. As in, HERMÉS. As in, HAHAHA three-year waiting list for a stupid purse that, at the end of the day, is just a stupid purse and not like, I dunno, an apartment or a car or a miniature pony you can ride to the grocery store because how cute would that be? I’m like ohhh, yeah, no, that’s not happening. She goes, well Hermés has this tote bag that’s reversible. And I go I’m sure it’s very nice, whatever, and I basically cool-story-bro her. But she continues, yes it’s got really nice leather and the colors are very pretty. She says, I want one of those.


And I do a quick Google to learn that this tote she wants is literally over $3800 USD. I go no way. No fucking WAY. So I ask, why would I get this? And she goes well it’s cheaper in Germany. I ask why would it be cheaper in Germany? She goes because it’s from there. And I go, Hermés is a French company, as in France, come on even I know that and I’m not even on the waiting list. She goes France? Oh really? Well anyway, it’s what I want. I say, I’m not buying you a $3800 purse, nor should you be carrying a $3800 purse. She goes well in Korea it’s $7000. So I say, you want me to buy you a $3800 purse because in Korea it’s $7000? That makes no sense. And she goes, but there are ladies at church who have it. And I say, and you’re not one of them. And she goes, but it’s saving money! I explain that the way to save money is to actually not spend $3800 on a purse, you crazy, crazy woman.

Then she says, so…does that mean you’re not getting me the purse?

The Moth in St. Paul

Are you in Minnesota?

Are you in St. Paul or Minneapolis or the environs?

Do you like to listen to stories?

Do you like cheese curds?

Do you love cheese curds?

If you answered yes to the questions above, then here is some important news that’s tangentially related to cheese curds:

I’ll be doing The Moth on November 7 in St. Paul. It’ll be at the Fitzgerald Theater, which I’m told seats 1000, which means WHAT I am PEEING ALL OVER MYSELF RIGHT NOW. From fear. Not from, you know, just needing to pee and being too lazy to walk to the bathroom or whatever.

I will be eating cheese curds. The first time I had them I was visiting my friend Rhena in Minneapolis and I thought, dude cheese curds are awesome, how was there a cheese product that I’d NEVER had before? It was a crazy discovery-slash-revelation.

True story: Cheese curds are hard to get in NYC.
You know what’s also hard to get in NYC? Ebola. Unless you’re eating someone’s vomit, which you aren’t, because you’re too busy eating pizza, then you will be ebola free.

So to sum it up: The Moth in St. Paul on Friday, Nov. 7. No to ebola, yes to cheese curds.

See you there!


It is with great sadness that I report SCandynavian, our mildly loved Scandinavian candy store has closed. I walked past it today and noticed that the lights were off and all the candy had been removed from the bins. There was no techno, no strawberry race cars that taste like plastic, no sour apple frogs that do not taste like frogs. There was no sign saying that they had moved locations. So I bid them adjö and uh, however you say “good luck” in Swedish. I think it’s buena suerte. Yeah pretty sure it’s that.

But fret not NYC friends, if you want Scandinavian candy, might I suggest heading to Sockerbit (located in the Village of the West), which is another Swedish candy store. Yeah I know, right? Why there was more than one Scandinavian candy store in NYC, I don’t even know. Of course, you can go to IKEA and get candy there.

Speaking of IKEA, I totally went there yesterday and bought $100 of crap that I obviously needed so badly, like the hand towel with the ping pong paddles on them. I mean how am I not gonna buy that? I don’t even like ping pong, but I definitely needed it or else the the hand towel with the wacky puffer fish on it would feel so lonely. Hand towels always travel in pairs because if you’re lucky, you have two hands, so obviously you need two hand towels. I also totally needed the bath mat that is too big for my bathroom floor. And needed the salt grinder because salt’s not gonna grind itself, you guys.

What are you doing May 1?

New York City, holla back!

Let me ask you something: What are you doing Thursday? Why not come to a reading featuring me and two of our best friends from Canada?

Thursday, May 1 at Word Up Community Bookstore!

This is the perfect opportunity to ask me how I got my hair so shiny and soft.

I’ll be reading with Doretta Lau and Aaron Peck. They are Canadian so they are very polite and want to be your friends and do not want to offend you and they will say sorry a hundred times in their adorable Canadian way. But they are also amazing writer-human hybrids.

See you there, friends!

Thursday, May 1, 7 to 9pm
Word Up Community Bookstore
2113 Amsterdam Avenue (Washington Heights)

Breaking News: You Love MSG

I have a piece posted in Open City, the Asian American Writers’ Workshop online magazine dedicated to all things culturey and New Yorky. It’s an open letter–Surprise!–to MSG, which is your favorite flavor-enhancing food additive. It’s my favorite flavor-enhancer too! Look how much we have in common! This is why we’re friends.


If you want to know what my favorite MSG-laced snacks are (because obviously you do), I’ve listed them, just like Buzzfeed, except not like Buzzfeed because there are no images of “cats who just can’t right now” or quizzes about who your 90s celebrity soulmate is based on what cheesecake you like best. I hate cheesecake, which is strange because I love cheese.

So these are the greatest ways to get flavor into your bellyspace:

1. Doritos. Because Doritos.
2. Chex Mix. Which has 60% less fat than potato chips, but 120% more flavor.
3. Tomato Pretz. Does not taste like tomato. (And Salad Pretz also does not taste like salad.)
4. Nori Maki Arare. Leaves a horrible aftertaste, which is why you have to keep eating them forever.
5. Vegetable dumplings/wontons/gyoza/mandu/flavorbags/Asian hot pockets. The frozen ones are loaded with gourmet powder. The ones I buy are “green vegetable” flavor.

And here is a picture of a cat who just can’t right now.


She’s on my backpack.

A Collection of Scary Things

May I present to you a collection of scary things scraped from the Internet (though they are not as scary as the Internet can get). I hope you like The Three Stooges because now they are going to haunt you forever. Please enjoy!

True story: Once I bought all this…lady stuff…from Duane Reade. You know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about tampons. Because I am an adult lady who does adult lady things. I feel that we can just talk openly about this because, come on, this is not some kind of secret. People will tell you they went to India and shat out of their eyes, but if you get your period you are supposed to be all coy about it. Like tee hee, I’m doing “the lady thing” right now, so I’m going to skip spin class! (For the record, spinning is the last thing I ever want to do. I hate riding bikes–much less a bike that doesn’t fucking go anywhere–and I never, ever want to be yelled at to go faster.) Anyway, point is, I got lady stuff from Duane Reade and then the cashier said “Enjoy!” And I sort of looked at her and then the contents of my bag (tampons) and I said, “Uh, thanks?”

The point is that even though I’m telling you to “enjoy” what you’re about to see, I know in my heart of hearts that you will not enjoy this and will instead fear going to bed every night.

So thanks, and enjoy.








The One Where I Do Other Things

I’ve been a busy lady doing stuff!

Our band Taken By Savages (which is me and the world-famous, multi-talented Joe Ziemba) just released a record today! We are super proud of it. If you could see our faces, you’d see a look that critics would describe as “satisfied” or “accomplished” or “shit-eating grins.” This record has been a lot of fun and also work, but very, very fun work. I’m not even sure if we should call it “work” because it would make actual “work” feel inferior and sad.

You can listen below. The record is available digitally to meet all your iNeeds, but it’s also available on VINYL. It’s two-color vinyl and when it spins, you trip balls. No just kidding. Or am I? PLUS: If you get the vinyl, you’ll get an “extra spesh” bonus digital EP. It’s “exclus” to people who get the vinyl because Joe and I always reward good behavior.

The ironic part in all this is that I don’t have a record player because I don’t have room. But Joe does, so if you guys all want to hear the LP, go over to his place. He’s got a wonderful selection of snacks and beverages too. Go for the music, stay for the snacks, just like Shakespeare said in that one play with that guy.* But also stay for the company because Joe is an amazing person who does amazing things. He continuously blows me away. How can one man do so much and still maintain a healthy head of shiny hair? Ask him when you get there.

*True story: I have a very good friend named Roger who, for the life of him, can’t remember any name or movies or actors. He once said “You know, that guy in the bike movie.” And after ten minutes of discussion, I figured out he meant Dennis Hopper.

SCandynavian Part II: Electric Bugaloo/Havana Nights

Today I returned to the Scandinavian candy store, and bought $10 worth of candy, which is kind of a lot of money, but we all know things are more expensive in Scandinavia. As the saying goes, you’ve got to pay to play. And I totally paid $10 for bulk candy. I probably bought, like, $5 worth of the sour cherry dicks alone. You should know that the dicks are a bit stale today. But I guess when the dicks are coming all the way from Sweden, they’re gonna get a little hard. OMG these dick jokes–I’d apologize, but I don’t want you to think I’m gonna stop making them. What I’m trying to say is that I’m eating these stale dicks because I just spent $10 on candy. I’m going to eat the shit out of it and call it lunch.

I got a few new pieces of candy this time and I shall review them. I’m assuming you all want to know the same thing: Are any of these better than the dicks? Probably not, but as my mother used to say, “You got to try.” She would say this when I was learning to read and couldn’t figure out how to read a word. I’d get frustrated and she’d be like, “You got to try” which is TOTALLY FUCKING UNHELPFUL. She wouldn’t help me read it either. She’d just say “You got to try.” Like dude, I’m TRYING but I literally cannot READ this bullshit word with all these stupid vowels that combine to form some DIFFERENT sound. It wasn’t until much, much later that I realized she said that because she couldn’t read the word either. English is so goddamn hard. It’s the worst. Korean is basically what you see is what you get. So is Spanish. But then English is like nooooooooooo gh makes a fff sound as in ffffuck. Anyway, candy. Let’s talk.

OK here’s a question. Is this a gummy ghost? Like from Pac-man?


The answer is NO. It is not. It is a gummy SQUID. How adorably Swedish! Squid! In Asia, if you call something squid, it is actually squid. It was my favorite snack for a long, long time. I’d pull off a tentacle, dip it in some kochu-jang and park my ass in front of some cartoons until my mother turned it off and told me to do my homework, which I had already done, but she wanted me to go forward in the textbook to get ahead. Anyway, I said Ooooohhh gummy ghosts, yay, and the blonde six-foot blonde yeti of a shopkeeper said they are squid. So they are squid. They are covered in some sour dust, which the Scandinavians call “salted.”

Right, right. Salted. NOT sour. So in Sweden, if you say “salted candy” it means “sour.” So I said that was confusing because salt tastes salty and sour tastes sour, which is why we have two words for them. The dude did not care for my argument and just said they taste good.

You know how when you eat Lucky Charms, you spend a lot of time fishing out the marshmallows and eating them because they are the best? And maybe you fish them out before you pour in the milk because it’s easier to find the marshmallows that way? And then after you actually pour the milk to eat the cereal, you get sad because you had eaten all the marshmallows? And remember how you’d confuse marshmallows with mushrooms? Yeah that. So these taste like sour cereal marshmallows. They are sorta fluffy and spongy and chewy at the same time.

Grade: B, aka “Not an A, but pretty good”


These are hard candies. They are covered in some sugary substance and the shopkeeper promised that there was sour powder on the INSIDE. I was like YEAH this is what I want BRING IT ON and loaded up on these. Important to note that they are solid and therefore heavy and contribute greatly to the $10 I spent at this store.


There is NO sour powder on the inside. It’s just a hard candy. Tastes like a Life Saver. Taste like what an old lady would have at the bottom of her purse and upon offering it to “youngsters,” they’d be like uh no thanks. Imma gonna go eat anything else than this.

Grade D: The D stands for Disappointment


This is a gummy apple frog. Doesn’t really look like a frog, and it doesn’t taste like apple either. So I guess it gets 0 out of 2 right. The texture is softer than a gummy bear, though not as soft as Chuckles or Sunkist Fruit Gems. Taste wise, it tastes like nothing. There’s a certain ‘fake apple’ taste that we are accustomed to, the way apple candies all taste the same way even though it tastes nothing like an apple. Call it the apple gestalt, not to get all fancy about it. This bullshit candy does not have that apple gestalt. It tastes like a gummy bear that’s been in your pocket, something you saved for later because it’s tasty. Now imagine you saved it for later and you’re like ew this is gross. Why did I save this? My pockets are ruined! That’s the gummy apple frog.

Grade D-: I’d give it a lower grade, but there’s something that’s worse. Keep reading.


This is a caramel “twist.” It is the texture of a Twizzler, but with a caramel flavor. It is also a bit on the buttery side. It is akin to that buttery flavor a Werther’s Original, except it’s chewy like licorice. But the texture sort of falls apart in your mouth. I don’t like it. It tastes like plastic, which is why I hate Twizzlers. I want candy to taste like candy and not like a bracelet. I hate this. I hate that this is in my mouth right now. (Dick joke!)

Grade F: Need to spit this out


This is half black licorice and half red licorice, covered in mildly sour “salt”, as the Scandinavians would say. Here’s the thing: I love black licorice. I love it more than red licorice. I do understand most people hate the black stuff. So this is the Two-Face of licorice. Good and Bad. Bad and Good. And guess what? It’s delightful! The black licorice is definitely the stronger dominant flavor. So if you hate the black stuff, then move on. Texture wise it’s about the same as a Sour Patch Kid that’s been opened for a day. So not too soft but not too hard. It is nice and chewy and sticks between your molars, like all good candies. Delicious. I wish I had gotten more.

Grade A: If you like black licorice. If you don’t then stick to the dicks.

I realized that I am taking photos of food and putting them on the Internet, something I always make fun of people for doing. I realize I’m being a giant hypocrite. BUT in my defense, I’m not at a restaurant. I’m just in my kitchen eating an unruly amount of candy. But I’d like to show you this, taken from the Findings section of Harper’s Magazine.