Annietown | Annie Choi

Urban Omnibus

I wrote an essay for Urban Omnibus, a project/site of the Architectural League of NY. It’s about the city’s grid and life in general. You can read it right here. WARNING: You will not find photos of children, pets, or food. You will not find nudity or graphic violence. You will not find religion or your car keys. Basically you’re not going to find anything, BUT A GOOD TIME. See what I did there?

Somewhat related, this is what I see outside the office. Normally you’d see the Freedom Tower, but it is gone today. I’m sure it’ll be back tomorrow, though no promises!

Posted May 2nd, 2012 in architecture, NYC | No Comments »

Topic for Discussion

I am reading the New Yorker profile on James Franco. NOW I know what you are thinking: Annie, don’t you hate the New Yorker and its focus on first-world problems like the lack of artisinal food in certain Brooklyn neighborhoods and didn’t you, in fact, let your New Yorker subscription lapse last year, and aren’t you always raging against those cartoons because they are like Three’s Company episodes and all about misunderstandings, and aren’t you always complaining about how in the profiles they always talk about what the person is wearing, the state of their hair, what they are eating/drinking/smoking, etc. to the point where you can basically write a profile about that asshole at the deli or the cat at the deli because it seems so goddamn easy, only to discover that actually is is harder than it seems? Yes. Yes you are right about all these things. But the question on your mind should not be about how I feel about the New Yorker.

It should be about how I feel about James Franco. So answer to that question is yes, yes I still love him. Do I love him more than Ruffalo? I dunno they are opposite ends of the spectrum and, in some sense, representative of both sides of me. The ambition and productivity and multi-tasking and the other side that wants to stay home with my besties, Weed and Bong. However, Franco is still unbelievably hot so I dunno. How can a man be so good looking?

This is the question you all should be asking yourself when you eat dinner tonight. It is a question that may not be answered today, or even tomorrow. Think of it as an ongoing process. Like life or whatever.

****UPDATE: IT WAS NEW YORK MAGAZINE NOT NEW YORKER. I regret the error. HOWEVER, all the things I said about the New Yorker is true. And we probably don’t even have to discuss New York Magazine, that shit is like the Kardashians of magazine. But not like the dumb one, but like the ‘smarter’ one. No I don’t know which one that is. Whatever. Let’s read The Believer.

Posted April 17th, 2012 in rage, shame | No Comments »

Museum of Technology

More stuff to get rid of:

A SEGA GAME GEAR!!!!!! It “works” in the sense that it turns on (just like your mom!). But it’s not playing any games. Specifically, these games:

I think this whole situation must be from 1992-93? I do believe I beat AX BATTLER: A LEGEND OF GOLDEN AXE. Note the rock hard abs on the AX BATTLER. Turns out battling axes is a great workout, better than zumba. And I got to the penultimate level of X-MEN but couldn’t beat Magneto. And I don’t think one can actually beat Columns. It’s like trying to beat math. Columns was and never will be as good as Tetris.

It appears I had a lot of time on my hands at one point.

I also found: Gameboy Advanced Color, which is NOT mine. Gameboy DS which belongs to the office and I should return it. And THE ORIGINAL GAMEBOY, which is also NOT mine. I have a lot of things here that are not mine.

Posted March 31st, 2012 in parlor tricks, technology | No Comments »

ELEPHANT PARTY

The elephants who live upstairs (specifically, on top of my head) had an elephant party where they invited other elephants to come and practice Irish river dance and also Dutch clogging and Spanish flamenco. These elephants happen to be very international. It is like a United Colors of Benetton, except with elephants. This jolly festival of dance (pronounced dahnse) was accompanied by shouts of OH MY GOD I’M SO DRUNK AND I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW TEE HEE HA HA HA, which was also accompanied by a steady stream of WOOO HOOOs. No doubt it was a celebration of all things great including, but not limited to, tits, ass, and X-box 360. This fiesta was brought to you by Bud Light Platinum–how that is different from regular Bud Light I don’t know. Urine tastes like urine, am I right? It’s not like you taste urine and go OH YEAH THIS IS SOME BALLER URINE RIGHT HERE, VERY PLATINUM IN FLAVOR AND PERSONALITY. I hate Bud Light. It makes no sense to me. Actually I hate any food or beverage that ends in “Light.” Like Crystal Light.

Posted March 31st, 2012 in NYC, rage | No Comments »

AWESOME NEWS HERE

Touchstone/Simon & Schuster will be publishing my next book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Title (right now) is LETTERS TO YOU AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS. All you have to do is wait until 2013 and all I have to do is write it. One of those tasks is easier than the other.

I suggest you all go drink and break some shit to celebrate. In the meantime, I will be here, shitting myself, in both a good and bad way.

Posted March 15th, 2012 in Letters to You and All Your Friends | No Comments »

Before I had status and before I had a . . .

I found this while cleaning out my apartment. Yes, yes I have found A LOT OF STUFF while cleaning out my apartment. You’re probably wondering how I even store all this stuff in my 187 square foot crapbox. I’m not even sure, but if you open a box marked “2006,” you will discover that the year is off by 10.

I’m happy to report that THIS STILL WORKS. I mean, I can’t receive pages, but it turns on (like your mom last night). So now when I am on a plane and the bossy voice says “Turn off all cell phones and two-way pagers” and someone says “Who even HAS a pager anymore?” I can say, “YO THIS BALLER HAS A PAGER” and wave it around because that is what ballers do. Then I can continue to be a baller and follow federal rules and regulations by turning it off.

You can tell this pager lays down a heavy trip because of all the X’s in the name. EXPRESS XTRA FLX. Also it has a complicated relationship with the letter “e”. That is to say a love/hate one.

Posted March 15th, 2012 in parlor tricks, technology, WTF | No Comments »

From Aly

I found another note whilst cleaning my apartment. I am apparently a person who saves notes, though one shouldn’t save anything when living in a 187 square foot apartment. You know what I should be saving? Money. I should be saving MONEY, not notes from a year that is not 2006.

You can’t tell by the picture, but this note is smaller than a postage stamp. Maybe the size of your thumbnail, if you have one of those. Seriously it is SMALL. It is TEENSY. It is WEE. The fact that I could even write on this thing is some kind of non-Christmas miracle. I guess the joke was that I thought Aly would lose this, and somehow she did not and gave it to me at graduation.

WHICH graduation? No idea. Could be high school. Could be college. I suppose it could be junior high too. I’ve known her for a very, very long time. But the crazy part is that I did NOT lose this. It was tucked away in some ID holder I was going to throw out. Meanwhile, I’ve lost ENTIRE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING in my apartment somewhere. Once I found five $2 bills inside some random book on my shelf. My aunt likes to give $2 bills for New Year’s. She thinks it’s good luck. So I guess I put them inside a book thinking I’d remember? Anyway, now I have $10 I feel obligated to not use. Oh but wait, where are the $2 bills now? No idea. I moved them from the book. That is the last thing I remember. I also found Band-Aids inside a book (new, unused thank you very much). I guess I like to put things inside books. I think there’s a dick joke in there somewhere.

Posted March 8th, 2012 in parlor tricks | No Comments »

From Mom

I was cleaning out my apartment and I found a bunch of Really Old Shit (TM) from college. It was in a box labeled 2006, which is actually not when I graduated college, nor is it a year remotely near the time I graduated college. Nothing in the box was from 2006. And you know what? I don’t even remember 2006. Was there even a 2006? I think not.

Anyway, I found a note from my mother:

This is the loose translation:

Annie!
Hi,

When you get this, call me. When are you coming. Be careful of colds and study hard.

Love,

Mom

NOW, let us discuss this because at first glance, it seems cute. Like awww your mom sent you a letter! She cares about you! And it is cute.

I like that she says to call when I get this. She MAILED me this note. You know, like, original gangsta, throwback, classic, retro, pre-modern mail. It’s kind of like when someone emails you and then CALLS you and asks if you got the email, but this is on a MUCH slower scale.

But I’m mostly interested in this thing where I’m supposed to “be careful of colds.” You can’t actually be careful of colds, right? You can’t, like, see a cold hanging out on a corner and go OH SHIT I BETTER TAKE THE LONG WAY HOME. There aren’t signs everywhere that say BEWARE OF COLDS THEY ARE EVERYWHERE, CHRIS AND STEPHANIE BOTH HAVE IT SO SERIOUSLY BACK THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM THEY’RE LIKE LARGE MUCUS MEMBRANES WITH GERMY ARMS WAITING TO HUG YOU AND LICK YOUR EYES.

Maybe at the time I actually DID have a cold, and she’s just saying hey be careful, you have a cold? As if it’s something I didn’t know? I guess I could see that. Like, hey you have a cold, be careful, take it easy!

But THEN she says, study hard.

Turns out the best cure for a cold is to study hard. It’s true. So instead of laying in bed and watching Downton Abbey, consider learning a new language, like Mandarin. You know, something easy. Maybe study some physics. But don’t just study it. Like study it hard. Really nail it. Really nail the physics.

Posted March 7th, 2012 in family, lessons learned | No Comments »

Mouth to Mouth Open Mic (which sounds gross but isn’t)

Attention lovers! I am a featured reader/speaker at the Asian American Writers’ Workshop tomorrow night! It’s open to everyone, whether you’re Asian or not, whether you’re American or not, or whether you’re a writer or not. If you enjoy an evening of FUN listening to ME and other people read, then this is your jam. If you enjoy an evening of FUN in which YOU read and other people listen, then this is your jam. If you fear FUN then you should go elsewhere. This is for FUN people and LOVERS OF FUN only. Also I am told there will be a ukelele and someone who plays said ukelele. This someone is not me.

Who: You and me and friendly people

What: Reading stuff, ukelele

Where: AAWW 110 West 27th St, Suite 600 (Btwn 6th and 7th Aves)

When: Tomorrow night, Friday, 8 pm

Why: Because after you can get Korean food and then get some drinky and then somehow end up at a K-town karaoke bar and sing the entire Hall & Oates catalogue and also Bon Jovi because for some reason people like to sing Bon Jovi at karaoke even though, seriously, they suck. Why do people want to sing songs that suck? John Oates forever.

How: You take the 1 train, as in “WE’RE #1,” to 28th St. or the R/W as in “REALLY? WHUHHHH?” to 28th St.

I’m not sure what I’m going to read, but whatever it is, it will be the best thing I’ve ever read.

Posted March 1st, 2012 in NYC | No Comments »

Do you love tacos? (That’s not code for anything.)

I put up yet another Amazon review. This time of a taco. Specifically, THIS taco.

OK FINE, it’s not a real taco, but you were TOTALLY fooled right? Right? No? Not just a little bit? My friend Larry gave it to me. There’s no need to be jealous. Mostly because it doesn’t come with a real taco. Unless you put one in there.

I know you want it. It’s only $8.88. I realize for $8.88 you can buy a REAL taco. Several real tacos, in fact. If you went to Taco Zone, the king shit of taco truck mountain, then you could get SEVEN tacos. OR you could get six tacos and a horchata. Get the horchata. Sometimes I force a friend (usually Micah) to get the horchata so I can drink, like, half of it. Then Micah eventually cuts me off, not because I’m drinking all his horch, but because if I drank one on my own, my stomach would explode from the dairy. You probably didn’t need to know that, but there you have it. I ‘overshared’. It’s what I do best. Fucking horchata. Why must I love the things that hurt me so?

But seriously though. An $8.88 taco pouch. You probably don’t need it but wish you did.

Posted February 21st, 2012 in Amazon Reviews, food | 2 Comments »

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