OK EVERYONE PARDON MY ALL CAPS, CUZ THAT IS HOW THIS POST IS GOING TO GO DOWN, BUT WE GOT 2 DOZEN CRUMBS CUPCAKES IN OUR OFFICE AND I AM MAJORLY HOPPED UP ON SUGAR. I ATE ONE THAT HAD CARAMEL, CHOCOLATE, FUDGE FROSTING, AND WALNUTS. THE WALNUTS, AS YOU KNOW, ARE FOR PROTEIN. GOOD FATS, SO THAT CUPCAKE WAS LIKE TOTALLY GOOD FOR ME. ALSO I JUST DID A SET OF LUNGES AND EXTREMELY AEROBIC HIGH LEG LIFTS RIGHT NEXT TO MY COWORKER’S DESK, SHE LAUGHED, BUT GUESS WHAT? I’M STILL REALLY HYPER SO I’M GONNA GO RUN AROUND THE BLOCK. MAYBE I WILL RUN TO BROOKLYN, NOTHING IS STOPPING ME. AND THEN AT SOME POINT I BET YOU I WILL CRASH AND TAKE A NAP SOMEWHERE UNDER A BENCH, BUT OH MY GOD. HELLO FRIENDS.

I walked into the office today and saw this in the lobby! WTF? Somewhere a church is missing something.

My co-worker says she took it off the street and put it in our lobby and waiting for her brother to help her take it home. She wants to put it in her backyard and grow plants in it which is AWESOME. It is almost worth moving just so I could have a garden to grow plants on this. Donations are appreciated, obvz.

This might be the best song ever written ever in the history of music and songs and life in general. You are thinking, but wait, what about the Beatles or Led Zep or Hendrix or Pavement or Velvet Underground or like every important band ever like Sonic Youth or Counting Crows ha ha ha just kidding about Counting Crows barf in my mouth, and I’m here to tell you that this song is better than anything the Beatles ever wrote and after hearing this song your life will completely change and you will throw out all your Beatles jams and just have this one song on repeat forever for the rest of your life and people will ask you, hey do you want to hear this deep cut Morrissey track and you will say, no, because you already have all the music you need to hear for the rest of your life.

EAR EXPLOSION!

Twitter is totally ruining my blogging. There was even a story on it, somewhere, about how blog entries are ‘down’, not to say that people are totes “down” with the blogging, but people are not blogging as much as they used to and perhaps not “down” with it anymore. But, Twittering is “up”. But fear not, friends, I will make more of an effort. Kind of. I will make AN effort. Whether that’s more or less effort is subjective.

Over the weekend I visited Charleston, but not the Charleston you are thinking. This is the one in West Virginia. WEST Virginia. That’s the Virginia to the west of the Virginia that everyone knows. Hence, West Virginia. The most northern of the southern states, the most southern of the northern states, the most western of the eastern states, and the most eastern of the western states. I’m not sure if I agree with that last part, but you kind of have to say it because of the parallel construction.

Anyway here is what I learned:

1. It is SO green. Oh good god, it’s so green there. It’s fecund. FECUND, people. So fecund. Very, very, very pretty. Seriously, it’s like why haven’t people completely ruined that place? I mean they have with strip mining and chopping off the top of mountains to put in Walmarts, but I mean I’m surprised people haven’t ruined it even more. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there’s still a lot more to ruin!

2. People do not play the saw and drink moonshine out of clay jugs with XXX on them. They do not play the washboard either. They wear shoes. They apparently have the last names of Samples or Means. Not the Hatfields and the McCoys, as the story/poem might lead you to believe. You know, for a long time I thought James Hetfield of Metallica’s last name was Hatfield and all I could think was him shredding across the holler and the crick to rock the pants off the McCoys. That story would be so much more awesomer with Metallica.

3. Jomo’s friend knows a guy who makes moonshine and he swears it will cure any cold. It’s like 170 proof or something insane. It’s more alcoholic than rubbing alcohol. I think when you open the bottle all of it evaporates. So the moonshine part of Point #2 above is kind of true. The dude apparently buys like 200 lbs of sugar, bags of corn feed, and has a little distiller thingy he got on Ebay. Apparently you can do this all at home, as long as you have 200 lbs of sugar and enormous amounts of corn feed and a PayPal account. This is sadly off limits for me since Food Emporium doesn’t carry corn feed. Yeah I know, I was surprised too. I went to aisle 4, which is where they have all the grains, and corn feed was not there. So to all the people out there who say “you can get anything you want in NYC,” you are totally lying. Go look for corn feed and get back to me. Anyway, I think making moonshine is illegal? I dunno. Seems like it would be legal in West Virginia though. They don’t seem that uptight about that kind of stuff.

4. I saw a lot of ‘wildlife’ there. Frog, deer, TURKEYS, and this guy. CHECK OUT HOW RAD THIS IS.

It was cold chillin’ on the Morrison lawn. I put “lawn” lightly. It’s more like a compound.

Seriously though, how cute is this thing? It seems unfair that we don’t have shells. I’d love to have a shell. Sure it’d be heavy, but man I’d be so stoked and safe. Like oh? You WANNA HIT ME, BRO? I DARE you. Shells should be Humans 2.0.

I don’t have pictures of turkeys but they had little bebes that were super cute. Turkeys! They are oddly cute in a totally ugly and cute way. Way cuter than a pug. I also saw a lot of lightening bugs, which I know are everywhere, but guess what? They’re not in NYC and they’re not in the SAN FERNANDO VALLEY where I grew up, so everyone shut it. Everytime I see them I think, man this is CRAZY. You are LIGHTING UP. So that brings me to Humans 2.0 part II: lights. Also prehensile tails. So handy. It is stupid we have evolved our tails out. We need to retro-volve. RETROVOLUTION.

Special thanks to the Morrisons for hosting! Special thanks to beer!

I know what you are thinking.

You are thinking, hmm . . . I wish there were a place where I could get a cavity filled and also learn how to drive. Hmm . . . WHERE COULD I FIND SUCH A PLACE.

It’s in Williamsburg. Naturally.

I want to see Up, but the question is, how many dimensions?

Do I want TWO dimensions or do I want THREE dimensions?

Man, I remember the days when we had only one dimension. We gathered around the radio listening to our stories and then when the talkies came out, our minds were blown. Now it’s about three dimensions! That newfangled third dimension!

Listen, three dimensions seem a bit over the top. Soon, there’ll be FOUR dimensions! When will it stop? FIVE dimensions? We’ll see things in space, time, and like love or something? Laughter? Warm feelings? When we hit SIX dimensions, shit will be totally stupid. Movies will exist as shrimp chips. I say shrimp chips because it has a lot of MSG, which you know “expresses” umami, the sixth flavor.

Anyway point is, TWO or THREE. I mean normally I’d say of course do it in THREE because why do TWO when you can do THREE? But I watched Coraline in THREE and thought it was unnecessary to have the third especially since they didn’t make much use of it animation-wise. But the people at Pixar don’t suck at all so they might make the third really tasty. TASTY 3d. The D stands for chocolate, don’t ask me where they got the D from. It’s a mystery.

My co-worker went to see the Fallingwater® house and brought back a few bottles of Fallingwater® Water™ for the office. It is “bottled expressly for Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater®”

But, no worries, “water does not originate at Fallingwater”.

This really depresses me. Mostly because it’s like McDonald’s style branding, which I know isn’t new, but Fallingwater® Water™ seems kind of insane to me.

FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU WATER, COMES…

WATER!

BUT YOU BOUGHT IT HERE, AT FALLINGWATER!

SO IT’S NOT JUST WATER, IT’S FALLINGWATER WATER!

OK that’ll be $3.75 please. Yes, that’s in US Dollars.

Anyway I brought one home because it’s “premium” drinking water. Not that crap water you get out of your faucets. That shit is for amateurs. I cannot believe I have been drinking just regular, non-premium water from not Fallingwater. Guess what? It tastes like Frank rolling in his grave. Just kidding.

My co-worker brought back apples from PA which were insanely delicious. It is crazy how something so small can taste so awesome. I ate like three of them, and then hid the rest like a squirrel.

And in totally unrelated, but equally awesome news, I rode the subway with a bear last night.

Dudes. It’s been at least a year since my last blog post. I apologize. I cannot say what I’ve been doing these past few weeks. Not because I’m working on a supersecret project, but because I honestly don’t remember. In fact, if you read my Twats I haven’t been doing much of anything. Look, I lead a boring life. I am a boring person. I eat, I read, and then I fall asleep while I read. Somewhere in there I write something, drink something, and wake up feeling bad about myself and other people. Occasionally I feel bad about children, good god think of the children! There’s not much to talk about. I shot a bear. No that was a lie. I just lied. Sorry.

Tonight there is rock practice. Starting now, each of our practices have a theme. Tonight’s theme is “no pants.” This means that no one is allowed to wear pants. No pants. Quite simple. Pants are not allowed. I realize in British English, pants means underpants. This theme could stand if we were in British England. I do not care. British, American, Canadian. Whatever you call it, no pants.

Thank you.

Hey you guys, just so you know the CINCO DE MAYO COUNTDOWN IS ON! Only 361 days until Cinco de Mayo! I know that’s not a lot of time, and I can’t wait!

MY APARTMENT SMELLS LIKE VOMIT. I DID NOT VOMIT. HOWEVER, IT SMELLS LIKE VOMIT, IT IS A MYSTERY. I MUST WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE ONE CANNOT DISCUSS MYSTERIES WITHOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS.

FOR EXAMPLE, WHICH IS MORE MYSTERIOUS:

Who really killed John F. Kennedy?

OR

WHO REALLY KILLED JOHN F. KENNEDY?

SEE THE SECOND OPTION IS MUCH MORE MYSTERIOUS. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY SO IT IS NO LONGER A MYSTERY AND ONLY FACT.

THIS BRINGS ME BACK TO THE ORIGINAL POINT, WHICH IS, WHY DOES MY APARTMENT SMELL LIKE VOMIT IF I AM THE ONLY ONE HERE AND I, IN FACT, DID NOT VOMIT.

I CANNOT FIND THE SOURCE. THUMBS DOWN SITUATION. ALSO MYSTERIOUS SITUATION.